When I asked Popsicle his thoughts on my sibling embarking on this he didn't have much to say. This is also a man who my sibling had lead to believe that Ontario had provincial wide free WiFi earlier in the day when he couldn't understand how she was Facebooking me from the highway. He couldn't comprehend that 3G technology allows this so my sibling offered this option his way. He was terribly excited when he informed me of it stating it was a "neat idea". Then I heard my sibling in the background telling him she lied. I've never heard Popsicle more disappointed. Anyways, My point is that this was not a man from which I was expecting helpful information.
In the days ahead, Mancandy informed me that he was getting his ass royally kicked and was seriously coming to the realization that he was not in as good of shape as he had thought. I could really care less considering my only real physical requirement in mate is that he be able to lift me above his head without huffing and puffing. It symbolizes manlyness. Also, I'm like 98 pounds so if you can't I realize how pathetic you are right from the get go. He had done a few of the workouts and was feeling it. Mancandy already has back pains from his football days, but I had never seen him in such a defeated state. Upon viewing his, for lack of a better word, corpse, a few days later, I came to the realization that this "Tony Horton" (aka. the worlds biggest douchebag) was not here to fuck around. I suddenly became concerned for my sibling and wondered if I should start preparing any sort of memorial arrangements for her once she started her program. I was kind enough to text her and provide her with the information I had gathered from Mancandy's experience, but she seemed un-phased. I had to give her props. My sibling is nothing if not a trooper when it comes to physical exertion. Her trainers at boarding school would frequently run the girls until someone threw up, so I felt she may be slightly prepared for this type of self inflicted physical torture. This was not the case.
A few days later I received a text from my sibling that her and my step-sister had gone out for chocolate cake at midnight and come home and decided to start the workout at 2 am. They started with Plyometrics, which from what I heard, was one of the harder ones and involved a lot of gay jumping around. They managed to complete it, although half-assedly, and with a lot of laughing. Apparently they were both in more pain than they could imagine. The fact that this DVD had reduced my amazon of a sister to a shriveled whimpering nightmare really scared the crap out of me. Additionally, something that can destroy you with even the weakest effort, could not possibly be approved by the FDA. They didn't manage to blow their cookies also was impressive.
In the next few days, my delusional sisters decided to embark on their venture again but this time tried the hardcore yoga version. Apparently, it was not relaxing, or any other words you might associate with yoga. They were both in seriously hurtin' condition and I found it funny that two people with clearly very little mental capacity for exercise, (for real, who works out after cake at 2 am? not the brightest crayons in the box thats who) would continue to do that to their bodies. My next thought was that I would have killed to have seen my step-sibling who had recently lost 60 pounds and was looking fantastic, try and do this previous to her weight loss. THAT, would have been funny.
After all these shenanigans, I had decided it was time for me personally to embark on this clearly insane workout routine. I had figured that my recent ability in the last 6 months to torture myself running and burn 1000 calories at a time, might have prepared me to deal with what I was up against. In short, all the cardio in the world could not have prepared me, or a United States Marine for that matter, for what I was about to do. My first time I decided to start small, and do the 16 minute ab ripper X workout. The general Idea is that you do 300 ab movements in 16 minutes. Previous to this experience, I thought I had a decent set of abdominal's. I was no Marissa Miller, but I thought I was better than most of those who had put on the freshman 15. I'm also a size 2, so it's not like i've got a gut. However, after starting in, I realized that nobody on the planet should be able to do this. I got through it barely with my sibling on the couch telling me to try harder. I wanted to tell her to try harder and get her ass off the fucking couch. Near the end I was sure I might vomit up my protein bar, but luckily I avoided it. This shit was not for sissies. I went for my run then went on about my day as I normally would. It wasn't till the next morning till I realized the true weight of what I had done to my person.
FUCK. That was my first thought when I awoke and realized I lacked the ability to sit up in bed on a ten degree angle. I was HURTIN. Actually, DYING might be a better description of what my vessel was experiencing. I got up, got a hot water bottle and went back to bed. Then went to see my tutor and realized It hurt to sit upright. Generally, not being able to make the motions one would require to void their bladder is a sign that you have truly an rightfully fucked up your life. I was 20 years old and was getting a glimpse into my future at 80 and was n0t enjoying my little time traveling journey.
Later in the day, I made what I think to date might be the worst possible decision I have made in my life to date. I embarked on the 90 minute yoga workout. WORST IDEA EVER. Flashed through my mind on many occasions. But I figured if the rest of these assholes could do it, I should be able to do it. Between each pose, Tony "the fuckface" Horton, informed me that I had the option to do a pushup in plank position, and that he was going to go ahead and do one. I decided to go ahead and give him the finger from plank position. I kept making faces and making a giggle/whimper sound that would have been funnier if I wasn't willingly trying to commit semi-assisted suicide from the warrior pose. When It finished, I opted to lie on my bed and not move. When it came time for Mancandy to come over, I decided to put on more appropriate pants. I then learned, I no longer possessed the muscle strength to do this simple task and had a new respect for those who lost limbs in Nam'. Once he arrived he took pleasure in mocking my physical discomfort and we proceeded to lie around for 4 hours whining and whimpering at each other. We're so romantic sometimes.
The next day, I experienced some of the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. My back, thighs,obliques,hips,legs,and ass hurt like nothing I had ever imagined. I then proceeded to text Platypus to ask her if I could have the half a perkaset in my purse and was really not interested in her response, it was more of a "heads up" than a ,"may i" text message. I was ready to jump infront of a bus. I was not stoked for my circumstances but was fairly sure my shit would be tighter than a hippos ass when it was done causing me pain. And it was brutal. Later that day, I had my first round of laser hair removal which for those not familiar, is a process where they shoot your armpits and bikini line with a laser repeatedly for 30 minutes. THAT hurt less.
Needless to say, P90X is an excellent way to kill yourself and I do not recommend it if you have any sort of job that requires movement or the use of your back. My P90X stint had ended as quickly as it had began. I was physically and mentally exhausted and was done with this bullshit. This workout is for androids and aliens and shouldn't be attempted by carbon based life. As long as I continue to do recklessly dumb things in order to bond with my kinfolk, my life is NOT together.
