Pulverization 90 X.

Recently, many people in my general vicinity have discovered a video workout program called P90X. The general premise is that if you do the DVD workouts in order, and follow the meal plan, you can sculpt your body into a toned weapon of mass destruction. This guy basically comes into your living room and assaults you in a manner not unlike what prisoners at Gitmo might experience. Shits not a joke, and it's not for pussies. At first, Mancandy had mentioned that he was going to embark on this P90X in lieu of a gym membership over the summer in order to tone up. I listened to it's general concept, but as with most of Mancandys workout habits, I was just glad it wasn't me and that was that. Then, my sibling mentioned to me via a phone call while looking at Universities with Popsicle that she too was going to embark on this crazy series of DVD's and that family friends of ours had already tried it. This particular family friend had the upper body strength of a drinking straw and I had a hard time imagining him in some sort of intense calorie burning situation.

When I asked Popsicle his thoughts on my sibling embarking on this he didn't have much to say. This is also a man who my sibling had lead to believe that Ontario had provincial wide free WiFi earlier in the day when he couldn't understand how she was Facebooking me from the highway. He couldn't comprehend that 3G technology allows this so my sibling offered this option his way. He was terribly excited when he informed me of it stating it was a "neat idea". Then I heard my sibling in the background telling him she lied. I've never heard Popsicle more disappointed. Anyways, My point is that this was not a man from which I was expecting helpful information.

In the days ahead, Mancandy informed me that he was getting his ass royally kicked and was seriously coming to the realization that he was not in as good of shape as he had thought. I could really care less considering my only real physical requirement in mate is that he be able to lift me above his head without huffing and puffing. It symbolizes manlyness. Also, I'm like 98 pounds so if you can't I realize how pathetic you are right from the get go. He had done a few of the workouts and was feeling it. Mancandy already has back pains from his football days, but I had never seen him in such a defeated state. Upon viewing his, for lack of a better word, corpse, a few days later, I came to the realization that this "Tony Horton" (aka. the worlds biggest douchebag) was not here to fuck around. I suddenly became concerned for my sibling and wondered if I should start preparing any sort of memorial arrangements for her once she started her program. I was kind enough to text her and provide her with the information I had gathered from Mancandy's experience, but she seemed un-phased. I had to give her props. My sibling is nothing if not a trooper when it comes to physical exertion. Her trainers at boarding school would frequently run the girls until someone threw up, so I felt she may be slightly prepared for this type of self inflicted physical torture. This was not the case.

A few days later I received a text from my sibling that her and my step-sister had gone out for chocolate cake at midnight and come home and decided to start the workout at 2 am. They started with Plyometrics, which from what I heard, was one of the harder ones and involved a lot of gay jumping around. They managed to complete it, although half-assedly, and with a lot of laughing. Apparently they were both in more pain than they could imagine. The fact that this DVD had reduced my amazon of a sister to a shriveled whimpering nightmare really scared the crap out of me. Additionally, something that can destroy you with even the weakest effort, could not possibly be approved by the FDA. They didn't manage to blow their cookies also was impressive.

In the next few days, my delusional sisters decided to embark on their venture again but this time tried the hardcore yoga version. Apparently, it was not relaxing, or any other words you might associate with yoga. They were both in seriously hurtin' condition and I found it funny that two people with clearly very little mental capacity for exercise, (for real, who works out after cake at 2 am? not the brightest crayons in the box thats who) would continue to do that to their bodies. My next thought was that I would have killed to have seen my step-sibling who had recently lost 60 pounds and was looking fantastic, try and do this previous to her weight loss. THAT, would have been funny.

After all these shenanigans, I had decided it was time for me personally to embark on this clearly insane workout routine. I had figured that my recent ability in the last 6 months to torture myself running and burn 1000 calories at a time, might have prepared me to deal with what I was up against. In short, all the cardio in the world could not have prepared me, or a United States Marine for that matter, for what I was about to do. My first time I decided to start small, and do the 16 minute ab ripper X workout. The general Idea is that you do 300 ab movements in 16 minutes. Previous to this experience, I thought I had a decent set of abdominal's. I was no Marissa Miller, but I thought I was better than most of those who had put on the freshman 15. I'm also a size 2, so it's not like i've got a gut. However, after starting in, I realized that nobody on the planet should be able to do this. I got through it barely with my sibling on the couch telling me to try harder. I wanted to tell her to try harder and get her ass off the fucking couch. Near the end I was sure I might vomit up my protein bar, but luckily I avoided it. This shit was not for sissies. I went for my run then went on about my day as I normally would. It wasn't till the next morning till I realized the true weight of what I had done to my person.

FUCK. That was my first thought when I awoke and realized I lacked the ability to sit up in bed on a ten degree angle. I was HURTIN. Actually, DYING might be a better description of what my vessel was experiencing. I got up, got a hot water bottle and went back to bed. Then went to see my tutor and realized It hurt to sit upright. Generally, not being able to make the motions one would require to void their bladder is a sign that you have truly an rightfully fucked up your life. I was 20 years old and was getting a glimpse into my future at 80 and was n0t enjoying my little time traveling journey.

Later in the day, I made what I think to date might be the worst possible decision I have made in my life to date. I embarked on the 90 minute yoga workout. WORST IDEA EVER. Flashed through my mind on many occasions. But I figured if the rest of these assholes could do it, I should be able to do it. Between each pose, Tony "the fuckface" Horton, informed me that I had the option to do a pushup in plank position, and that he was going to go ahead and do one. I decided to go ahead and give him the finger from plank position. I kept making faces and making a giggle/whimper sound that would have been funnier if I wasn't willingly trying to commit semi-assisted suicide from the warrior pose. When It finished, I opted to lie on my bed and not move. When it came time for Mancandy to come over, I decided to put on more appropriate pants. I then learned, I no longer possessed the muscle strength to do this simple task and had a new respect for those who lost limbs in Nam'. Once he arrived he took pleasure in mocking my physical discomfort and we proceeded to lie around for 4 hours whining and whimpering at each other. We're so romantic sometimes.

The next day, I experienced some of the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. My back, thighs,obliques,hips,legs,and ass hurt like nothing I had ever imagined. I then proceeded to text Platypus to ask her if I could have the half a perkaset in my purse and was really not interested in her response, it was more of a "heads up" than a ,"may i" text message. I was ready to jump infront of a bus. I was not stoked for my circumstances but was fairly sure my shit would be tighter than a hippos ass when it was done causing me pain. And it was brutal. Later that day, I had my first round of laser hair removal which for those not familiar, is a process where they shoot your armpits and bikini line with a laser repeatedly for 30 minutes. THAT hurt less.

Needless to say, P90X is an excellent way to kill yourself and I do not recommend it if you have any sort of job that requires movement or the use of your back. My P90X stint had ended as quickly as it had began. I was physically and mentally exhausted and was done with this bullshit. This workout is for androids and aliens and shouldn't be attempted by carbon based life. As long as I continue to do recklessly dumb things in order to bond with my kinfolk, my life is NOT together.

I'm on a Boat!!

Due to the recently warm weather, Mancandy and I have taken to visiting various lakes on the weekend with friends. This weekend, we decided to venture out with one of Mancandy's friends, Chuck, who happens to own a boat. I like boats, and I love anyone who lets me call them Chuck. I think they are both an excellent source of entertainment. However, I am most fascinated by how Boats manage to work. I understand the basic idea of how boats float, I'm not completely deficient, but I still am fascinated by the fact that they can endure so much water like abuse and not throw everyone swiftly from the vessel. But, this is not a lecture on boats, I'm not nautically inclined enough for that, this is about the various chaos that ensued.

Upon arrival at the dock, the menfolk managed to get the boat in the water and tie it up while various subsets of our little group ran back and forth from cars due to general lack of organization. I did notice the woman next to us with her boating posse seemed to be observing us as one would animals in the wild. Any group with me as a part of it is undoubtedly a hot damn mess and I take pride in that. While waiting on the boat, we watched other boaters fail epically at the maneuvering of their water-crafts. Some people are really just mentally retarded and should be put in a home, but for some reason their family member's feel it is appropriate to let them lose in the wild. One group of such miscreants seemed intent on proving my point. While in their boat they started trying to move about the small area and see how close they could get to hitting every other boat in our vicinity. Seriously, if you can't drive it, don't try. These mentally challenged individuals came close to striking out boat and one of our group asked them if this was their first time... of course it was. "Apparently!" was my shockingly dry, and very much British response, something I may not have said in different company. Sometimes, when I'm with Mancandy, I don't filter myself in the same manner I normally would around strangers. Mostly because I'm fairly certain that if they had gotten all up in my grill about it, Mancandy would have drowned both them and their boat for the hell of it, and with relative ease. They newbies explained that their captain was elsewhere and that they hoped he would soon return. I then explained to the group that if we planned on making our start as pirates that this was clearly the boat for us to seize as it contained limited brain power. Our victims laughed it off but I was definitely game for this plan if I could have gotten everyone else on board. Once the other members of the group came back with the tube strapped to their backs, we made a few Jesus jokes and were on our way. None of us seem capable of embarking on anything without mocking Jesus, it's simply unheard of.

Finally, everyone got their shit together and we started out to the middle of the lake. The first thing I noticed is that the boat was staying shockingly close to the water than it had in previous adventures. This most likely had a lot to do with the fact that Mancandy had brought along his partner in crime, who could only be described as fucking gigantic. Both of them had parked themselves on the back of the boat and I'm sure together were a combined total of 500+ pounds. I decided that this extra weight on the boat was awesome as it enhanced my personal boating pleasure since as someone who weighs about 98 pounds soaking wet, I often get bounced about and it takes its tole on my person. I'm not built for activities in which your person is tossed about violently as I have the upper body strength of a kitten and happen to be extremely top heavy.

The first order of business for the men was to go out on the tubes and prove their manlyness by hanging on as whoever was driving attempted to kill them. Men truly are fascinating aren't they?

First up was Mancandy and the Giant. Watching the Giant squeeze his massive self into a lifejacket has got to be one of the most amusing thing I've ever seen. I love watching people of large stature try and get into things that just do not fit them. It thrills me in a way I can only express with a squeal of joy. Once in the water, all that was heard from the boat was various profanity about the testicle shrinkage that was occurring. As a girl, I'm glad I don't need to experience the apparently painful shrinking of my sexual organs. But I do find it amazing that the male body has so many escape routes for its fun bits, such as retracting into the body. I have no idea why these things amaze me, and I should really seek help. Anyways, once the men were in the water and we were in motion it was about 8 seconds before the started trying to sabotage each other. Again, aren't men fascinating?, for about an hour all the men took turns in the water and driving in a manic fashion in an attempt to kill one another. Once that was done there began chat of starting to fish and then locating ice cream. We proceeded to fuck around for a while and then the boats owner, Chuck, decided we needed to ditch the tubes in order to lighten to boat and quickly make it to the location of the ice cream. I failed to see why we couldn't just deflate them, but Chuck was dead set on keeping them inflated. I've learned that when it comes to interacting with Chuck specifically,that I stop myself from interjecting my brilliance into the situation because I like seeing how he goes about shit. The men decided that we could drive to the other end of the lake and ditch the tubes on the rocks and then come back for them later.

Upon arriving at the rocks, a shit show of dumb ideas seemed to occur. Chuck noticed that we were in a shallow area with a lot of weeds and began to show concern for getting us caught, so we opted to shut off the engine and let the boat chill while the men hid the tubes. Dumbass moment number one occurred when Chuck leapt off to survey the roughly 2 meter rocky slope where we were planning to ditch this shit. He explored the rocks and noticed a bottle of minnows that had been left behind by a fisherman. At this point, I thought it may have been clever to save them for fishing later but I didn't dare express this thought to the group. I've found when dealing with Mancandy,Chuck,and the Giant, that it is often better to just let things occur for entertainments sake. So, I did just that. Chuck opened the vile and proceeded to dump the fish onto the rocks below him. Not a second after he did this, he looks at the empty bottle in his hand and says " hey, these would be really great bait for the pike!". The group proceeded into a fit of laugher and the men then scrambled to pick the dead fish out of the rocks and return them to their previous surroundings. Watching a bunch of guys collect dead fish really was entertaining. I knew they might think twice about rescuing my ass if I was to get tossed, but they DEFS needed to rescue the fish with haste. The men managed to get the tubes off the boat and Chuck hid them both behind some shrubs. Then, he came out from behind a bush with some leaves and announced that he was trying to provide adequate camouflage for the NEON orange tube. A meek whisper of the word "camouflage" while holding two small branches was made while he fluttered back and forth. I love when people who are dead set on things whisper there intentions. It serves the purpose of being mildly sexual and humorous al at once. What a fucking pointless nightmare that would turn out to be. After we had pillaged for some bait and "sufficiently" hid our treasures, we began to push the boat away and idled out for about a quarter mile and observed the handy work. It was at this point Chuck noticed some people walking in the general direction of our tubes towards what he had pointed out earlier was "excellent fishing". Apparently, it hadn't occurred to him that other lake-goers may be aware of this and want to partake. Cuz who the fuck would want to fish on a nice day? nonsense. Upon observing these fishermen, The Giant pointed out that they may not even see the NEON ORANGE OBJECT up ahead of them. They noticed. And so did the next people and their dog who followed. Chuck, fearing for the life and safety of his tubes, voted we go back and retrieve them and deflate them. So, back we went. The people Mancandy knows are recidiculous, and thats why I love them. Chuck had mentioned we should go try and kidnap the dog in broad daylight while we were there. I was willing to let him do it to, again, just to see him try.

Then we set sail to the other end of the lake to go get ice cream. More Jesus jokes, and then more dock nonsense. The particular dock we were attempting to use had a large sign that implied it was out of order or some sort of dock equivalent meant to tell folks that it was out of commission or some other bullshit none of us cared about. Thats what I love about being a care free 20 something, nothing seems to apply to me. We sent the Giant out ahead and felt that if the dock didn't crash under his weight that the rest of us were certainly safe. As we reached the end and proceeded to scale the fencing, a gentleman in the water inquired as to why we didn't just walk in the water. I informed him that it was because we were cooler than that, in a tone that would have sounded a lot more like "go fuck yourself" had I not had my purse in my mouth. I was on a fucking mission, and he was ruining any feeling of badassness I had mustered on my dock journey. What a douchebag. We then made our way to ice cream where I had never been more steeped to be eating and ice cream cone. I felt 12, and I was loving it. We then all gathered around a table while Chuck consumed his hot-dog. I pointed out that it was rather phallic which pretty much just made him more excited. If I had given a crap about Chucks sexuality, this would have alarmed me. At one point he informed us that we needed to edit our language as it was a family environment. I responded with "thanks mom". I felt as long as I said my profanities quietly I was allowed. I was on a fucking vacation of sorts and I planned to enjoy myself. The group soon bi-passed his warning and then the Giant proceeded with "THANKS MOM, NICE TITS", and Chuck proceeded to be embarrassed to be involved with us and thus decided to order us to be on our way. I love it when people feel that those their with are not appropriate for public. Since I often tend to be the reason for the embarasment, I've also gotten use to being ejected from my surroundings. We then headed back to the dock and I noticed a sign with a Canadian government logo on it and some nonsense about conservation. I then informed Mancandy that I wanted to find out what it was they were trying to conserve and go create havoc. Again, why he dates me, I have no idea. The sad thing is he wanted to so the same, which is why I date him. More wall scaling and death defying dock experiences and then we were all back on the boat. The sky was giving us a notable " I'm gonna F up your time" impression, so we decided to head back to our neck of the lake. On the way back, Mancandy and the Giant proceeded to make Herbal Essences commercials by tossing their hair in the wind and making sexualized faces at each other. These two feed off each other a lot like a pile up collision, one little bit of chaos causes a whole string of craziness until it loses velocity and decides to break. It's horribly exciting to watch and I was laser focused on absorbing the insanity.

As we were flying through the water at an alarming rate, Chuck spotted a bunch of ducks and a pelican and decided to ignore common sense and chase them down like he was on a fucking mission. I personally, have never had more fun disrupting wildlife. Once we started to get out of control and the storm started to gain, someone's survival instincts told us it was time to stop and head for safer water. We headed to a weeded area and came up against a bit of a road block and rather annoying family who insisted on waving at us like they had been on an episode of LOST and we were their first look at civilization in some time. Chuck once again instructed us to look friendly and wave back, meanwhile, Mancandy proceeded to pelvic thrust at every passing boat. Thats how we roll... Then, Chuck in his awesomeness, decided it was an excellent time to go waterskiing after several beers. Nobody else shared his passion but the Giant, arguably our most violent driver, decided to captain the ship while Chuck went about his nonsense. " See, this is normally the point where I would be the voice of reason and instruct us not to let him go along with this. But, just for the hell of it, I'm going to support this bullshit", I announced to the group. I figured as long as we were all in agreeance that this was arguably very stupid, we would cover our bases dumb luck wise. We took bets on how many trys it was going to take our comrade to get his ass out of the water and went on our way. Soon, we were on failed attempt 4 and really enjoying watching the venture of Chucks skiing go slightly uphill. Captain Giant agreed this was getting dumb but that It was better with Chuckles to just let him have his way when it came to this sort of shit. After about 20 minutes of this, Chuck gave up and we all headed through the insane rough water to a sunny patch where we decided to wait out the storm and do some fishing.

Chuck was the only one of us with any discernible fishing skills. So for the most part, we were a bit of a hot mess. Mancandy felt the need to narrate everyones casts with the enthusiasm of one of the virgins from the fishing channel. All the guys managed to reel in a fish but none of us on the boat had our shit together enough to actually get a fish into the boat. The first one we had any really shot at was caught by Mancandy. The Giant had been going at it for a good ten minutes and hadn't had any real success, and the other guy who was with us,whom I will refer to as that because I have no clever name for him, managed to swing incorrectly and just barely catch the Giants nipple. Then, upon receiving the reel from Giant, Mancandy, on his second ever fishing experience, caught something. This sort of beginners luck bullshit is typical of Mancandy. He seems to excel at any sort of sport related endeavor, and as he puts it, is " built for success". The man also feels he stirs for success but it really resembles the stirring stills of epileptic 9 year olds. Unfortunately, our group was about as well organized and a blind swim team. We had all of the passion and none of the mental ability to coordinate ourselves, Much like a deaf singing group. Then finally, with the last of the rescued minnows, Chuck managed to catch a fish and get it into the boat. As a girl, I felt the need to scream violently at it was flipping about. Chuck wrestled it into submission and made sure we all had a chance to see it. He informed us it was a pike, however I felt it looked more like a platypus if it were a fish and termed it Platyfish. Which spell check is not correcting me on and could for all I know, very well be a real fish. So I am now even more impressed with my naming abilities. Once the fish had been sent back to its normal high mercury surroundings, we all agreed that we had caught our fish it was time to go the fuck home. Heading back in is my favorite part of the trip, not because I am anxious to get back, unless of course I have to pee so bad I fear for my safety, but because between the clouds and the rough waters I feel like we are in some sort of National Geographic pirates special. Like storm chasers. I made note to learn more about storm clouds before our next adventure so that I could wow all my friends with my badass storm knowledge, and possibly procure myself a badass storm chaser outfit. These are the things I think about on a daily basis, and sometimes It makes me wonder why people speak to me at all.

We finally got back to dry land and the men proceeded to get the boat out of the water. A task that for some reason despite not owning a boat, Mancandy was freakishly good at. Overall, our trip had been a success. Despite our camouflage fail, and our general lack of fishing skills. However, as long as I continue to have nonsense times like these, My life is NOT together. And I wouldn't have it any other way.