Upon arrival at the dock, the menfolk managed to get the boat in the water and tie it up while various subsets of our little group ran back and forth from cars due to general lack of organization. I did notice the woman next to us with her boating posse seemed to be observing us as one would animals in the wild. Any group with me as a part of it is undoubtedly a hot damn mess and I take pride in that. While waiting on the boat, we watched other boaters fail epically at the maneuvering of their water-crafts. Some people are really just mentally retarded and should be put in a home, but for some reason their family member's feel it is appropriate to let them lose in the wild. One group of such miscreants seemed intent on proving my point. While in their boat they started trying to move about the small area and see how close they could get to hitting every other boat in our vicinity. Seriously, if you can't drive it, don't try. These mentally challenged individuals came close to striking out boat and one of our group asked them if this was their first time... of course it was. "Apparently!" was my shockingly dry, and very much British response, something I may not have said in different company. Sometimes, when I'm with Mancandy, I don't filter myself in the same manner I normally would around strangers. Mostly because I'm fairly certain that if they had gotten all up in my grill about it, Mancandy would have drowned both them and their boat for the hell of it, and with relative ease. They newbies explained that their captain was elsewhere and that they hoped he would soon return. I then explained to the group that if we planned on making our start as pirates that this was clearly the boat for us to seize as it contained limited brain power. Our victims laughed it off but I was definitely game for this plan if I could have gotten everyone else on board. Once the other members of the group came back with the tube strapped to their backs, we made a few Jesus jokes and were on our way. None of us seem capable of embarking on anything without mocking Jesus, it's simply unheard of.
Finally, everyone got their shit together and we started out to the middle of the lake. The first thing I noticed is that the boat was staying shockingly close to the water than it had in previous adventures. This most likely had a lot to do with the fact that Mancandy had brought along his partner in crime, who could only be described as fucking gigantic. Both of them had parked themselves on the back of the boat and I'm sure together were a combined total of 500+ pounds. I decided that this extra weight on the boat was awesome as it enhanced my personal boating pleasure since as someone who weighs about 98 pounds soaking wet, I often get bounced about and it takes its tole on my person. I'm not built for activities in which your person is tossed about violently as I have the upper body strength of a kitten and happen to be extremely top heavy.
The first order of business for the men was to go out on the tubes and prove their manlyness by hanging on as whoever was driving attempted to kill them. Men truly are fascinating aren't they?
First up was Mancandy and the Giant. Watching the Giant squeeze his massive self into a lifejacket has got to be one of the most amusing thing I've ever seen. I love watching people of large stature try and get into things that just do not fit them. It thrills me in a way I can only express with a squeal of joy. Once in the water, all that was heard from the boat was various profanity about the testicle shrinkage that was occurring. As a girl, I'm glad I don't need to experience the apparently painful shrinking of my sexual organs. But I do find it amazing that the male body has so many escape routes for its fun bits, such as retracting into the body. I have no idea why these things amaze me, and I should really seek help. Anyways, once the men were in the water and we were in motion it was about 8 seconds before the started trying to sabotage each other. Again, aren't men fascinating?, for about an hour all the men took turns in the water and driving in a manic fashion in an attempt to kill one another. Once that was done there began chat of starting to fish and then locating ice cream. We proceeded to fuck around for a while and then the boats owner, Chuck, decided we needed to ditch the tubes in order to lighten to boat and quickly make it to the location of the ice cream. I failed to see why we couldn't just deflate them, but Chuck was dead set on keeping them inflated. I've learned that when it comes to interacting with Chuck specifically,that I stop myself from interjecting my brilliance into the situation because I like seeing how he goes about shit. The men decided that we could drive to the other end of the lake and ditch the tubes on the rocks and then come back for them later.
Upon arriving at the rocks, a shit show of dumb ideas seemed to occur. Chuck noticed that we were in a shallow area with a lot of weeds and began to show concern for getting us caught, so we opted to shut off the engine and let the boat chill while the men hid the tubes. Dumbass moment number one occurred when Chuck leapt off to survey the roughly 2 meter rocky slope where we were planning to ditch this shit. He explored the rocks and noticed a bottle of minnows that had been left behind by a fisherman. At this point, I thought it may have been clever to save them for fishing later but I didn't dare express this thought to the group. I've found when dealing with Mancandy,Chuck,and the Giant, that it is often better to just let things occur for entertainments sake. So, I did just that. Chuck opened the vile and proceeded to dump the fish onto the rocks below him. Not a second after he did this, he looks at the empty bottle in his hand and says " hey, these would be really great bait for the pike!". The group proceeded into a fit of laugher and the men then scrambled to pick the dead fish out of the rocks and return them to their previous surroundings. Watching a bunch of guys collect dead fish really was entertaining. I knew they might think twice about rescuing my ass if I was to get tossed, but they DEFS needed to rescue the fish with haste. The men managed to get the tubes off the boat and Chuck hid them both behind some shrubs. Then, he came out from behind a bush with some leaves and announced that he was trying to provide adequate camouflage for the NEON orange tube. A meek whisper of the word "camouflage" while holding two small branches was made while he fluttered back and forth. I love when people who are dead set on things whisper there intentions. It serves the purpose of being mildly sexual and humorous al at once. What a fucking pointless nightmare that would turn out to be. After we had pillaged for some bait and "sufficiently" hid our treasures, we began to push the boat away and idled out for about a quarter mile and observed the handy work. It was at this point Chuck noticed some people walking in the general direction of our tubes towards what he had pointed out earlier was "excellent fishing". Apparently, it hadn't occurred to him that other lake-goers may be aware of this and want to partake. Cuz who the fuck would want to fish on a nice day? nonsense. Upon observing these fishermen, The Giant pointed out that they may not even see the NEON ORANGE OBJECT up ahead of them. They noticed. And so did the next people and their dog who followed. Chuck, fearing for the life and safety of his tubes, voted we go back and retrieve them and deflate them. So, back we went. The people Mancandy knows are recidiculous, and thats why I love them. Chuck had mentioned we should go try and kidnap the dog in broad daylight while we were there. I was willing to let him do it to, again, just to see him try.
Then we set sail to the other end of the lake to go get ice cream. More Jesus jokes, and then more dock nonsense. The particular dock we were attempting to use had a large sign that implied it was out of order or some sort of dock equivalent meant to tell folks that it was out of commission or some other bullshit none of us cared about. Thats what I love about being a care free 20 something, nothing seems to apply to me. We sent the Giant out ahead and felt that if the dock didn't crash under his weight that the rest of us were certainly safe. As we reached the end and proceeded to scale the fencing, a gentleman in the water inquired as to why we didn't just walk in the water. I informed him that it was because we were cooler than that, in a tone that would have sounded a lot more like "go fuck yourself" had I not had my purse in my mouth. I was on a fucking mission, and he was ruining any feeling of badassness I had mustered on my dock journey. What a douchebag. We then made our way to ice cream where I had never been more steeped to be eating and ice cream cone. I felt 12, and I was loving it. We then all gathered around a table while Chuck consumed his hot-dog. I pointed out that it was rather phallic which pretty much just made him more excited. If I had given a crap about Chucks sexuality, this would have alarmed me. At one point he informed us that we needed to edit our language as it was a family environment. I responded with "thanks mom". I felt as long as I said my profanities quietly I was allowed. I was on a fucking vacation of sorts and I planned to enjoy myself. The group soon bi-passed his warning and then the Giant proceeded with "THANKS MOM, NICE TITS", and Chuck proceeded to be embarrassed to be involved with us and thus decided to order us to be on our way. I love it when people feel that those their with are not appropriate for public. Since I often tend to be the reason for the embarasment, I've also gotten use to being ejected from my surroundings. We then headed back to the dock and I noticed a sign with a Canadian government logo on it and some nonsense about conservation. I then informed Mancandy that I wanted to find out what it was they were trying to conserve and go create havoc. Again, why he dates me, I have no idea. The sad thing is he wanted to so the same, which is why I date him. More wall scaling and death defying dock experiences and then we were all back on the boat. The sky was giving us a notable " I'm gonna F up your time" impression, so we decided to head back to our neck of the lake. On the way back, Mancandy and the Giant proceeded to make Herbal Essences commercials by tossing their hair in the wind and making sexualized faces at each other. These two feed off each other a lot like a pile up collision, one little bit of chaos causes a whole string of craziness until it loses velocity and decides to break. It's horribly exciting to watch and I was laser focused on absorbing the insanity.
As we were flying through the water at an alarming rate, Chuck spotted a bunch of ducks and a pelican and decided to ignore common sense and chase them down like he was on a fucking mission. I personally, have never had more fun disrupting wildlife. Once we started to get out of control and the storm started to gain, someone's survival instincts told us it was time to stop and head for safer water. We headed to a weeded area and came up against a bit of a road block and rather annoying family who insisted on waving at us like they had been on an episode of LOST and we were their first look at civilization in some time. Chuck once again instructed us to look friendly and wave back, meanwhile, Mancandy proceeded to pelvic thrust at every passing boat. Thats how we roll... Then, Chuck in his awesomeness, decided it was an excellent time to go waterskiing after several beers. Nobody else shared his passion but the Giant, arguably our most violent driver, decided to captain the ship while Chuck went about his nonsense. " See, this is normally the point where I would be the voice of reason and instruct us not to let him go along with this. But, just for the hell of it, I'm going to support this bullshit", I announced to the group. I figured as long as we were all in agreeance that this was arguably very stupid, we would cover our bases dumb luck wise. We took bets on how many trys it was going to take our comrade to get his ass out of the water and went on our way. Soon, we were on failed attempt 4 and really enjoying watching the venture of Chucks skiing go slightly uphill. Captain Giant agreed this was getting dumb but that It was better with Chuckles to just let him have his way when it came to this sort of shit. After about 20 minutes of this, Chuck gave up and we all headed through the insane rough water to a sunny patch where we decided to wait out the storm and do some fishing.
Chuck was the only one of us with any discernible fishing skills. So for the most part, we were a bit of a hot mess. Mancandy felt the need to narrate everyones casts with the enthusiasm of one of the virgins from the fishing channel. All the guys managed to reel in a fish but none of us on the boat had our shit together enough to actually get a fish into the boat. The first one we had any really shot at was caught by Mancandy. The Giant had been going at it for a good ten minutes and hadn't had any real success, and the other guy who was with us,whom I will refer to as that because I have no clever name for him, managed to swing incorrectly and just barely catch the Giants nipple. Then, upon receiving the reel from Giant, Mancandy, on his second ever fishing experience, caught something. This sort of beginners luck bullshit is typical of Mancandy. He seems to excel at any sort of sport related endeavor, and as he puts it, is " built for success". The man also feels he stirs for success but it really resembles the stirring stills of epileptic 9 year olds. Unfortunately, our group was about as well organized and a blind swim team. We had all of the passion and none of the mental ability to coordinate ourselves, Much like a deaf singing group. Then finally, with the last of the rescued minnows, Chuck managed to catch a fish and get it into the boat. As a girl, I felt the need to scream violently at it was flipping about. Chuck wrestled it into submission and made sure we all had a chance to see it. He informed us it was a pike, however I felt it looked more like a platypus if it were a fish and termed it Platyfish. Which spell check is not correcting me on and could for all I know, very well be a real fish. So I am now even more impressed with my naming abilities. Once the fish had been sent back to its normal high mercury surroundings, we all agreed that we had caught our fish it was time to go the fuck home. Heading back in is my favorite part of the trip, not because I am anxious to get back, unless of course I have to pee so bad I fear for my safety, but because between the clouds and the rough waters I feel like we are in some sort of National Geographic pirates special. Like storm chasers. I made note to learn more about storm clouds before our next adventure so that I could wow all my friends with my badass storm knowledge, and possibly procure myself a badass storm chaser outfit. These are the things I think about on a daily basis, and sometimes It makes me wonder why people speak to me at all.
We finally got back to dry land and the men proceeded to get the boat out of the water. A task that for some reason despite not owning a boat, Mancandy was freakishly good at. Overall, our trip had been a success. Despite our camouflage fail, and our general lack of fishing skills. However, as long as I continue to have nonsense times like these, My life is NOT together. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
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