Mancandy Vs. Aircraft

Recently, Mancandy and I decided we needed a vacation. By we I mean, I decided Mancandy needed a holiday and told him I was going with him to ensure he got on the plane and did not make a B-line back to work. Platypus found this venture particularly hilarious since I have a generally well documented tendency to completely lose my shit while traveling. I have zero patience for any situation where I am not in complete control. It's a character flaw, I'm working on it. I assured her that it would be highly unlikely my travel tendencies would derail my relationship with Mancandy, but she was skeptical. Platypus likes to crush my dreams like this by informing me frequently that I am a complete pain in the ass and that I will be hard-pressed to find a man to tolerate my nonsense. My theory is that I just need to find a man with the same high end travel needs as myself... enter Mancandy. But this is not a lecture on how we are perfect together, this story is about the adventure that was our trip to Vancouver.

I knew that our trip was going to be excellent, simply because it involved both Mancandy and myself. We're excellent, and we tend to radiate that into our current surroundings. But, the second I knew this trip was going to be awesome was when Mancandy and I entered the aircraft and got into our seats. Mancandy is freakishly tall and requested that we be in an exit row, I had gotten distracted talking to my pregnant girlfriend and did not actually book the seats till 10pm, so I had guessed at which row on the wing was the exit row - I was WRONG. The second his massive vessel got into its seat I could see we had a problem, however, I proceeded to laugh anyways just because watching something that big crammed into that tiny seat was truly hilarious. I decided to text Platypus about our predicament since I knew she too would find it humorous. She agreed. Then, Mancandy did something that is very typical of him, he pointed out the asian woman standing in the row of asians in the isle... the only way I can express what I was seeing is literally THE most exuberant person to ever enter an aircraft. The smile on her face looked like something that could easily cause small children to have nightmares. I stopped mid text and proceeded to laugh hysterically. I was convulsing in my window seat and desperately concerned about how inappropriate it would be to take a picture .... This is the text message I then sent to Platypus ... " We're on aircraft. Mancandy doesn't fit. It's pretty entertaining. Also, there's and uncomfortable abundance of Asians". Platypus was with my Nana, who being a world war 2 survivor, does not enjoy asians, and apparently agreed with my concern about that number of asian airplane goers. Seriously, if you did not know the planes destination, you'd swear it was somewhere over the pacific. Mancandy eventually calmed me down and we proceeded to play scrabble for the duration of the flight. Upon decent, this asian baby started to scream violently.I LOATHE the sound of babies screaming. It causes an extreme anxiety in my person and I imagine its the same violentesque feeling that someone like Charles Manson might experience. Nothing on earth aggravates me more. I looked over to see this child in the most distressed position I had ever witnessed a youngster in. It was as if he just realized his mother was asian and there was a possibility he would grow up to eat pussycat. He was displeased. Frankly, I would be too if Platypus and Popsicle were of asian decent.

Upon our arrival in Vancouver, I was deeply stoked for Popsicle and Mancandy to meet. Mostly because I knew exactly what was going to happen, Popsicle would go to shake his hand and look up and down and the Sasquatch I had brought with me. I love watch people interact with Mancandy, mostly since it seems like they are trying the whole time to decide if he's going to kill them or not. A guy recently bumped into him in a crowded bar and was so terrified that Mancandy was some sort of thug with a gun ready to pop a cap in his ass. I laughed. Seriously, dating someone that massive is like a free pass to do whatever the hell you want with almost no consequences. Its like having personal security. Anyways, back to Popsicle and Mancandy.

Popsicle has driven his rented Mini Cooper to come get us since his car had an unfortunate run in with an immigrant a few weeks prior. To say Popsicle was enjoying his Mini was an understatement. He expressed a vigor for it similar to the one with which Angelina Jolie feels towards foreign children. Upon getting in the car, Popsicle informed us it was alot like driving a really expensive go kart. Why anyone would want to do that on a constant basis, is beyond me but seemed to enthrall the crap out of my father, so I let it slide. Upon reaching the downtown core, Popsicle explained to Mancandy and I that there was a button in the car he had not figured out how to work yet. Popsicle has these moments where he is impossibly straight, and absolutely NEEDS to figure out every single inch of the car. So, naturally, the best time for such endeavors is during traffic.

Mancandy and Popsicle proceeded to fiddle with buttons and switches until Mancandy stumbled upon these pen size lights on the roof that would change to rainbow colors when the button was pressed. Yes, its true, the Mini Cooper gets gayer. Not only did these mini lights not have a SINGLE useful function, other than providing our go-kart with ambient lighting should we decide to rave, but they AMAZED Popsicle. He proceeded to then drive while fiddling with the lights and half assedly looking at the road. Not only was he distracted, but he was driving in a location with an abundance of immigrant drivers....not a sick combo as my sibling would say. Eventually, I convinced him I was in fear for my safety and that I was not ready to die in a car with rave equipped lighting. This was not the 70's. When we finally arrived home and got settled, Despite my fear that Mancandy would not fit into the elevator, I felt all the recent excitement called for me to promptly pass out. I needed sleep if I was going to psyc myself up for what I'm sure would be an intense trip.

Upon awaking the next morning, I decided to take a gander out the window at my surroundings. Much to my despair, ( i hate big men with little dogs) I saw a large man walking a douchey little white lap dog down the street. I thought nothing of it till the man reached the cross walk and started to cross, when his dog, clearly not the sharpest ball in the bunch, continued to walk at his parallel. How did this imbecile handle it?? He simply picked up his dust rag of a dog and set it on the crosswalk in a more pleasing trajectory. I then proceeded to pee my pants laughing which woke Mancandy, and I explained to him the insanity I had witnessed. Only with Mancandy could I manage to laugh so hard at 8 in the morning.....I could tell things were going to be interesting. Since, as long as people who need to correct their dogs trajectory exist, my life is NOT together.

Why Pregnancy is a BAD idea.

Last Night, I found myself stumbling upon one of my favorite guilty pleasure shows, "I didn't know I was Pregnant" On TLC. I really don't know what possesses me to watch this show seeing as every time I do I wind up in the fetal position clutching my vagina in fear. As a woman, I have been drilled into thinking that pregnancy is the ultimate STD and until I am married or 30, it should be my worst fear. I fully participated in this part of my gender however, In watching this show I have realized my new worst fear.... my uterus could fall out. Although it is a very tiny possibility this could happen, and it tends to require trauma, I am not officially terrified of this situation. Never have I been more in fear for my "cash and prizes".

In essence, what was happening is some woman on a boat was freaking out and reached between her legs, felt something rubbery and assumed it was her uterus. I laughed originally at this delusion, but then some doctor came on the screen and informed me that it was in-fact, a very real fear. This caused me to lose my shit and bring forth a series of gaging noises from my person that I have never heard before, and hope to never hear again. Upon TLC providing me with this information, I felt an obligation to inform damn near every woman in my contact list of this terrifying realization. I then text messaged Platypus and asked her if she was aware of this. She said yes but that it was a very unlikely possibility, and that it could be worse and I could be pregnant. I then told her that she could cancel that and that this uterus exiting my person situation was officially my new fear as a woman. At least if I have a kid, my uterus has options and could stay in its current surroundings. In informed Platypus she has no idea how madly I did not want a Uterus right then. At this she told me she sensed a blog. Blogging was the furthest thing from my mind at this point when I was clenching myself in fear rolling around on the bed like a spastic zebra.

In my feverish texting, I managed to message Princess who in addition to being semi-mentally insane, loves babies and feels it is her sole purpose in life to procreate. I have bigger dreams, but I allow her to go on with her delusions because I suppose someone has to have kids and it isn't going to be me. She told me she was aware this could happen, but it was also highly unlikely and was rare in childbirth. Princesses knowledge on everything and anything pertaining to childbirth fascinates/repulses me. She then informed me that I wouldn't need to worry since I wasn't having kid. I then told her that if Mancandy and I were to reproduce, it would most likely kill me seeing as he is mammoth and in meeting his family I can only assume any offspring with half his DNA would also be distastefully large for my vag to handle. This also terrified me, so I tried desperately to put it out of my mind.

Amidst my emotional chaos, I texted Mancandy, who was sick, to inform him that I was terrified for my vaginas safety in watching this program and that I had emotional wounds I required him to kiss better. At this, Mancandy said just about the most unhelpful thing anyone could have presented me with at this point in time, " You know, we'd make damn hot kids"... I was completely not expecting this but was also pissed that he would even suggest harming me with his freakishly large offspring at this juncture. " Yes. We'd make hot kids. You're missing the point. We're not reproducing". I relayed this comment to Princess who was pissed at me only because to her it implied Mancandy was o.k with the venture of us having children in the future, which was kind of like crack to her. She has been forcing babies down her boyfriends throat almost since day one, and he has confided in me that like any other 20-something male, that he was defs not on board. She is however, convinced she can change him. Much like getting your partner to chew with their mouth closed, Yet another reason she's right round the bend.

The fact this aggravated her at all really made me laugh because in no way did I understand his statement as " I want to have babies with you immediately". Any moron who took one look at us could see we would create genetically superior offspring. It was the fact that she seemed jealous that I had inadvertently discussed babies with him without him vomiting. Not my intention, but with Princess the rides come off the track every time.

When I finally got her to chill out, She did agree with me that It was a terrifying situation and that Mancandy's offspring would more than likely kill me or rip me in two. I then texted my BFF Bliss, ( I call her that because I am deeply in love with the fact that her shit is always together and she is always following my train of thought) and informed her of the grave dangers of having a uterus in much the same way you would if you were in a PSA. She laughed at me and told me that Mancandy's children would probably destroy me on their way out, although be incredibly aesthetically gifted. I loved her for remaining cool about the situation and not flipping the fuck out like Princess. I proceeded to have her calm me down and then switched the channel to something less insulting to my uterus. After that, I sent a message to my Pregnant friend on Facebook to tell her that I had a newfound respect for her and her situation as well as a desire to hi-five her uterus despite how creepy that may have been. She agreed it was creepy and I didn't care. I then noticed my stepsister had set her status to something regarding she was having a bad day. I commented it could be worse, your uterus could fall out. She agreed and I'm sure proceeded to lighten up on whatever shit-storm was raining down on her day.

I get that all this anxiety over a uterus may be insane, but I want to inform you all in blogisphere that it is a very real fear and to be on the lookout for falling vag. Because as long as I am a woman with female reproductive organs, I see my life is NOT together.

Dealing with Guys Night.

CASE STUDY 2: “Guys night and You!”

On one of several occasions now my friend has informed me that her man, if you can call him that, has gone out to boys night and one of the guys has brought his female friend along. She has mentioned her distaste for this friend as well as her boyfriends supposed distaste for her, and her concerns about the situation. I have had zero experience with this situation mostly because as a sane woman, I often was the girl who got to go out on boys night much to the she-grin of my friends girlfriends.

When Princess initially approached me with this problem I failed to see quite where her upset was coming from. As she told it, once her toad,(which will not turn into a handsome Prince by the way) entered the vehicle with his friends and he realized this girl was in the car. Having half a brain, he neglected to call her immediately and provide her with this information, since he knew Princess would lose her shit. She then told me that he didn’t tell her till after because he knew she would get mad. I then asked her if she would be mad and this was her response – “ well, ya, I mean if they could bring girls I wanted him to bring me. I mean why wouldn’t I want to go too?”. Much like many of you, I laughed. But, being me, I had to drag this craziness out only since Princess is so encourage-able it’s funny. “ So what dude, You wanted to have him stop the car and tell his friends ‘ hey if she’s coming I want Princess to come too! Let’s go pick her up’?” I would like to state I was being ridiculous but no, Princess took the bait. “ Well ya!” … “Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha” FUCK. First of all, picture any man you know stopping a car full of his male buddies on their way to guys night out, and telling them to go get their girlfriend. If you haven’t peed yourself or at least giggled at that statement, you’re fucking crazy, or Princess. MEN DON’T DO THAT. I tried then to explain to Princess that the guy who brought this girl sees her as a friend and more than likely just felt she’d be cool company. Princess rejected that conclusion thinking it was insane on the face of it. Then she proceeded to freak out at me like I was telling her to drown a small child.

Then, She did something a lot of my female friends have been doing lately that makes me bat-shit fucking inane, she compared him to Mancandy. I LOATHE when my friends do this because Mancandy has a brain and doesn’t do all the stupid things their male counterparts do. Also, we happen to trust each other and lack a lot of the dysfunction of other twenty something couples. She then says, “ well what if Mancandy went out and they brought some other girl? Wouldn’t you be upset?” … “ um…no? its his night he can do what he wants. And I think I know what girl would end up going and none of them can stand her and he often relays his aggravation to me via text which is pretty funny.”… “ WELL WHAT IF HE DID?” I was really starting to get irate with her at this juncture, but decided to be the adult. “ Look dipshit, what you’re asking me is like asking me to in vision being flat chested. I literally CANNOT conceive of what you are saying to me. You’re assuming I give a fuck who comes to his guys night. He could invite the pope for all I care!...Actually that could be cool and I’d wana see that shit, but aside from that I don’t see an issue”.

Princess was really not hopping on board and it was starting to make me laugh. When I laugh at her in these situations, her voice becomes high pitched and whiney and makes you want to smack her with the broad end of a beaver. I’m a Canadian, we beat each other with livestock. It happens. Anyways, I decided to push further with my insane query’s, “So what, you think she’s going to hit on the toad?”… “ well, ya”… “ HAHAHA! Dude TRUST ME, as someone else with female genitals, nobody wants to sleep with the toad. I’ve seen him, and I’ve seen his friends. I’d hit on them and every other man at the bar before I hit on the toad”. Princess hates it when I suggest her sexual partner is unattractive. Its cruel but it’s true. Even he knows he’s ugly. Once when I was on the phone with her and she informed me they were getting ready to go out I heard him say in the background “ Hey! I don’t look half ugly!”….I almost peed my pants. I’m sorry, but if you are seeing someone and they don’t even find themselves attractive, you’re in trouble. And in this situation, have no need to worry about most likely homely looking girls hitting on your toad.

But regardless, this was the root of her concern. I then tried to explain to her that if she kept saying insane shit like that to him, he would most certainly consider leaving her. This sent her even more into a state of chaos. I eventually convinced her to cam the fuck down but recently she texted me again telling me that he had again gone out, bought drugs, and this girl had attended. Frankly, if I had this guys life I’d want to alter my state of mind too, but this was lost on Princess. Anyways, after chilling out and getting mad she forgot she was mad. I think at this point she was starting to see that you can put as much makeup on a pig as you want, its still a pig. She could yell at toad about his behavior over and over, but he wouldn’t change. I was semi proud. And considering this is a couple who fights weekly, this was a shock to me and all other bystanders of this relationship. My theory is that toad gave her a special brownie to get her to chill, but I wouldn’t dare voice these concerns. Princess is fully capable of putting me in a full nelson and killing me. Having people like this around is the reason my life is NOT together.

My Thoughts on Relationships.

Recently, I have had many of the individuals in my life informing me of their various relationship woes. I have been finding it oddly amusing only because ever since Mancandy entered the picture and I have been in a blissfully well organized relationship, and I feel I am now some sort of expert on happiness. Much to the she-grin of my peers, who often know me to be in the most dysfunctional relationship of the group and at life in general. My surroundings tend to reject me at inopportune times. Its not my strength. I am not going to sit here and defend that statement since I will be the first to admit that my skills at all interpersonal relationships are sub par, especially in any sort of romantic pairing. I will admit I have made my many mistakes in my 7ish years in the dating world, But I’d like to think that I learn pretty well from my mistakes. This is partly because due to my lack of understanding about romantic relationships as a child. I often feel I tend to do things in relationships like you would in a scientific experiment, - I do what I do to see what will happen. I use it as a learning opportunity. In doing so, I have gathered some vital information on relationships I feel obligated to share. I wish to outline for you all my thoughts and feelings on relationships, engagement, marriage, and possibly divorce. However, Much like with Law & Order, and as is typical of my blog, the names have been changed to protect the guilty parties. J

REATIONSHIPS.

As many people who know me well are aware, I think the whole boyfriend-girlfriend situation is overrated. Before you all revolt in a fit of rage about this theory, hear me out. If you have been in a relationship at all, you should recognize that there is a pattern that emerges when you start seeing someone new. First, It’s all rainbows and butterflies and sunshine. You are under the mass delusion that this person is perfect, and you’re wrong. Their just hiding their idiosyncrasies from you long enough to get in your pants and feel out the sexual component of the relationship before they let you know how weird and messed up they really are. But in the meantime, you are happy and free to lie to them in regards to how you really feel about things. (At least that’s what I hear since I lack a mental filter and have the desire to say whatever I think anyways) Initially, you trust the other person and think they’re fan-fucking-tastic. (By the way, this is how relationships are supposed to be all the time.)

You really should trust the other person. If you have a vagina, this is the point where you start thinking “hey, I’d like to tie this guy down like a tarp so he can’t get away”. If you have a penis, this thought does not enter your skull, you’re more than likely picturing her naked. Men, I commend you for you simplicity and choose to embrace it.

Then, shit hits the fan. It is at this point that I feel a lot of women make a huge and very unforgivable mistake. You want to have “the talk”. (When I started dating Mancandy, I informed him of my distaste for the talk and that It would not be occurring in the near future. I have realized picking a boyfriend is a lot like buying new car- you shouldn’t commit to anything before you do research and take it for a thorough test drive. I like to know what it is I’m getting into, and told him if he insists on having it, he would need to wait a minimum of 6 months. He agreed and it’s probably the reason he’s still around. Never date a man who wants to tie you down. Trust me, it’s a horrible sign that he’s a fatty or a cyborg and I have dated both.)

The talk is the quickest way to take your relationship from happy to horrible at the speed of light. You have gone from expecting nothing but happiness, affection and sex from each other, to crazy insane demands like driving the other to work everyday and requiring them to meet all your friends and be nice to them. Then expecting them to bring you things when you’re sick and walk your dog if you’re out of town. This is WRONG.

Expectations ruin relationships. They’re like a pregnancy scare, they fuck up everything for the foreseeable future. I have the utmost faith in this statement, and wish to demonstrate why assuming that because a man is your “boyfriend”, he will do anything you ask regardless of what his plans or thoughts happen to be because he “loves” you is fucking insane. And if you are reading this now and agreeing with this statement, don’t go picking out his and hers towels because you are going to die alone.

In my time since puberty, I have come to realize that men do not feel this way. The crap that they feed you in chick flicks and Cinderella stories is complete and utter bullshit. It is not reality. Men don’t want to treat you like a princess, because they don’t feel they need to. Frankly, if you’re acting like a princess, being demanding and silly and insane, and thinking men find it cute, you deserve to be imprisoned or shot because you are out of your fucking tree. I realize that yes, in my youth I made these mistakes like many of you, the difference is I got wise to it a hell of a lot quicker. Women really need to stop more often and listen to themselves. They need to think, “ is what I’m saying a little crazy? If a friend told me this about her relationship, would I think to myself, hey that’s a little insane?”. The last one is tricky, but trust me, It will be your saving grace. Often when my girlfriends tell me the stupid insane things that they are demanding of their significant others, rather than try and reason with them, I stop. Wait 10 minutes, and then tell them basically the exact same thing they just told me in different words. 8-10 times, they tell me I’m being silly. I then stop and inform them their fucking insane and need to listen to their own advice. Women seem to lack the ability to put themselves in their man’s shoes. I have 90% male friends, so I truly grasp this concept and have found it abundantly useful. To further demonstrate my point, I have constructed this case study so you can all see where I get these crazy ideas.

CASE STUDY 1: “Insane Expectations”

I have one girlfriend who has been dating a guy for about a year now. They see each other pretty much every day and he is responsible for driving her home from school everyday because apparently, his work is someplace in the vicinity and this constitutes and an opportunity for them to spend even more time together. Because, god knows, spending abundant and necessary amounts of time around someone doesn’t make you want to kill them with a sharp object. Think of family gatherings during the holidays, you love these people but after all day with them you want them to burn. There you go, we’re on the same page.

Initially when she informed me of this arrangement, I kept my thoughts to myself. Something I rarely do but had the good sense to at this time. However, I knew it would eventually not end well and at some point I would end up getting dragged into it. My initial thought was, “hmm… if I insisted Mancandy drop by every time he went to the gym, just because it was in the same general vicinity as my condo, do I think he may eventually grow to despise me?” Dear Moron, The correct answer is yes. Although sure, like once every 2 months as a surprise if he wasn’t too tired, sure, that’d be cute, but other than that It’s nuts. I mean think about it, If you had just worked all day and wanted to go home and chill out, would you want to drive around your significant other? Every day? Without say, the ability to change plans and go for a drink with your friends because, THEY need you?. No. You’re wrong. And if you think that’s what you want, you’re lying to yourself. My general rule is, If you rationally wouldn’t want to do it for him, don’t expect him to want to do it for you. Trust me, you’ll be happier and so will he. I should know, my relationship is working pretty well ;) at least according to Platypus.

This point could not be proven more true than when my girlfriend called me semi-hysterical and asked me if I could pick her up from school. When I inquired as to why, she said that her boyfriend wouldn’t do it and that she needed to go home and couldn’t take the bus because it was allergy season. I too have wintertime allergies and understood the severity of that request. It feels like you’re foggy and high and want it to end but it just won’t. It’s not fun times. Personally, I would have just taken the bus or called a cab, but much like with Taste of Asia, I had learned it was a lot easier to go along with her than fight the irrational. I had nothing better to do so I decided to go pick her up. Upon her arrival in my vehicle, I was informed that her boyfriend was an asshole and that she wanted to smack him. Then, I heard quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever heard come out of this particular friends mouth. “Well, I asked him to pick me up but he said he can’t because he wants to go for dinner with his Dad after their done work and doesn’t want to drive all the way home practically to drop me off, then back here, then back down south for dinner. But he said he would and I’m just really hurt that he won’t do it.”…I paused and was hugely confused by this whole thing, but found it utterly amusing so I let her continue, “He promised he would because I have a lot of books from school and I don’t want to carry them on the bus”…(This friend of mine is extremely athletic, I think she could take a rhino and I had no doubts about her ability to carry large books.) At this point, I saw exactly where she had gone wrong and couldn’t contain my excitement in pointing it out. “Fact. Always have a backup plan you are willing to live with”, I informed her, “ Men, for the most part never do what they say they are going to do. They usually only agree so you stop whining about it. Expecting that at all is completely insane and you should get rid of that idea right now. And before you tell me he’s an exception, he’s not. I know he has pulled this sort of shit before”. At this point she was kind of on the same page, but still stupidly wanted to believe that her boyfriend felt she was the center of his universe. I have told her several times that this is not true but she often does not seem to follow my train of sanity.

I love her to death, but she craves drama and loves any possible chance she can get to piss him off. She follows a gay pattern of fighting with him, calling me crying, and then texts me the next day and says he treated her like a princess for the rest of the day. It’s a lot like a soap opera, and just as stupid and exhausting. Fact: I have met this man, he’s tall, lanky and skittish and probably scared for his life. He’s not unlike a praying mantis, but with less sex appeal. Now, not that I am condoning her Mel Gibson meets Tom Cruise like behavior, but this particular man really won’t do any better and If I was him I’d shape the fuck up if any woman wanted to see me naked. That aside, my point is that frankly, if you slow down the crazy and think rationally you will realize that a lot of the things women demand of men can be a little insane.

Personally, I’d take a $15 cab ride instead of being in a car with Mancandy pissed at me, Although I am pretty independent so I would not have used him as a resource anyways. Also, he’s huge and I’m sure terrifying when aggravated. I additionally appreciate that he works far too hard to be bogged down by nonsense and am grateful he considers having the time to date me at all. This being said, I would like to state that knowing him well enough, if it was an emergency he would have probably come through for me. This is the wonderful thing about fostering mutual respect for each other in a relationship. The other person is then less inclined to see you as a complete and utter pain in the ass.

SO - You may be wondering what it is you are you are to have learned thus far? Luckily for you, I broke it down. J

1. Some of my friends should be hospitalized and put under psychiatric care.

2. Don’t expect men to put up with your shit if you wouldn’t put up with theirs. That’s just common courtesy.

3. Lanky people can’t be choosers.

4. Think carefully before you make insane demands in a relationship. It’s a lot like negotiating with a terrorist, except, you’re a bipolar terrorist and you’re negotiating with yourself. You really must be concerned with what’s best for everyone, including the people who have to listen to you bitch and moan about your relationship.

All this having been said, I feel obligated to demonstrate again some of the insane mistakes the women around me have been making lately; Mostly because they don’t listen to sane rational arguments, and I need an outlet for my rage. Much like one of those serial killing cops who seeks out revenge on behalf of those who have been wronged, I feel I must somehow get things off my chest, albeit in a more productive manner before I snap and kill someone.