In essence, what was happening is some woman on a boat was freaking out and reached between her legs, felt something rubbery and assumed it was her uterus. I laughed originally at this delusion, but then some doctor came on the screen and informed me that it was in-fact, a very real fear. This caused me to lose my shit and bring forth a series of gaging noises from my person that I have never heard before, and hope to never hear again. Upon TLC providing me with this information, I felt an obligation to inform damn near every woman in my contact list of this terrifying realization. I then text messaged Platypus and asked her if she was aware of this. She said yes but that it was a very unlikely possibility, and that it could be worse and I could be pregnant. I then told her that she could cancel that and that this uterus exiting my person situation was officially my new fear as a woman. At least if I have a kid, my uterus has options and could stay in its current surroundings. In informed Platypus she has no idea how madly I did not want a Uterus right then. At this she told me she sensed a blog. Blogging was the furthest thing from my mind at this point when I was clenching myself in fear rolling around on the bed like a spastic zebra.
In my feverish texting, I managed to message Princess who in addition to being semi-mentally insane, loves babies and feels it is her sole purpose in life to procreate. I have bigger dreams, but I allow her to go on with her delusions because I suppose someone has to have kids and it isn't going to be me. She told me she was aware this could happen, but it was also highly unlikely and was rare in childbirth. Princesses knowledge on everything and anything pertaining to childbirth fascinates/repulses me. She then informed me that I wouldn't need to worry since I wasn't having kid. I then told her that if Mancandy and I were to reproduce, it would most likely kill me seeing as he is mammoth and in meeting his family I can only assume any offspring with half his DNA would also be distastefully large for my vag to handle. This also terrified me, so I tried desperately to put it out of my mind.
Amidst my emotional chaos, I texted Mancandy, who was sick, to inform him that I was terrified for my vaginas safety in watching this program and that I had emotional wounds I required him to kiss better. At this, Mancandy said just about the most unhelpful thing anyone could have presented me with at this point in time, " You know, we'd make damn hot kids"... I was completely not expecting this but was also pissed that he would even suggest harming me with his freakishly large offspring at this juncture. " Yes. We'd make hot kids. You're missing the point. We're not reproducing". I relayed this comment to Princess who was pissed at me only because to her it implied Mancandy was o.k with the venture of us having children in the future, which was kind of like crack to her. She has been forcing babies down her boyfriends throat almost since day one, and he has confided in me that like any other 20-something male, that he was defs not on board. She is however, convinced she can change him. Much like getting your partner to chew with their mouth closed, Yet another reason she's right round the bend.
The fact this aggravated her at all really made me laugh because in no way did I understand his statement as " I want to have babies with you immediately". Any moron who took one look at us could see we would create genetically superior offspring. It was the fact that she seemed jealous that I had inadvertently discussed babies with him without him vomiting. Not my intention, but with Princess the rides come off the track every time.
When I finally got her to chill out, She did agree with me that It was a terrifying situation and that Mancandy's offspring would more than likely kill me or rip me in two. I then texted my BFF Bliss, ( I call her that because I am deeply in love with the fact that her shit is always together and she is always following my train of thought) and informed her of the grave dangers of having a uterus in much the same way you would if you were in a PSA. She laughed at me and told me that Mancandy's children would probably destroy me on their way out, although be incredibly aesthetically gifted. I loved her for remaining cool about the situation and not flipping the fuck out like Princess. I proceeded to have her calm me down and then switched the channel to something less insulting to my uterus. After that, I sent a message to my Pregnant friend on Facebook to tell her that I had a newfound respect for her and her situation as well as a desire to hi-five her uterus despite how creepy that may have been. She agreed it was creepy and I didn't care. I then noticed my stepsister had set her status to something regarding she was having a bad day. I commented it could be worse, your uterus could fall out. She agreed and I'm sure proceeded to lighten up on whatever shit-storm was raining down on her day.
I get that all this anxiety over a uterus may be insane, but I want to inform you all in blogisphere that it is a very real fear and to be on the lookout for falling vag. Because as long as I am a woman with female reproductive organs, I see my life is NOT together.
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