Is it just me,or does EVERYONE feel the need to void their bladder
upon decent in an aircraft? I am 12 minutes away from landing in
Winnipeg,Manitoba to attend my baby sisters highschool graduation;
(this is a misnomer because the reader should know my sister is 5"10
and capable of taking down the loch ness monster). There comes a time
in everyones life where you realize your youth has escaped you,and for
myself,at 21,it had finally happened. Now coupled with the other
neurotic, psychosocial,and mental issues my psychologist was currently
tackeling,he could add this to the list of nightmares I present him
with on a bi-weekly basis. Poor guy,honestly, being my shrink has to
be THE worst job in the world. I'm a fucking nightmare,and being
responsible for untangeling that is a heurculean task.
Back to the point, those in attendance at this event will be, my
sibling, Eurocandy( her European boyfriend she picked up at boarding
school), Platypuses family,Platypus, and Popsicle. Just so you know, these
Platypus kin and Popsicle get along about as well as Platypuses and
Popsicles in the real world. The have Zero use for one another and I
imagine the Platypus will use all of it's claws and various water
mammal skills against Popsicle. This should be good.... I've never been one to pray to a higher power, but this was most certainly the time.
Night One:
I arrived at the airport and descended the stairs with all the other passengers, wondering why the fuck I had come to Winnipeg, easily THE dullest city in Canada. Its kind of like our Iowa. Anyways, Platypus had instructed me that I was to look for my sibling in the crowd and she would bring me to her waiting vehicle. I wandered around a part of the terminal that was foreign to me, Platypus had gotten Air Chaos in the divorce and I was forced to take a West Jet flight and wind up somewhere I had never ever seen in my life. Those of us really LOVE when you thrust us into new and unexpected circumstance like this. Its an absolute fucking nightmare. After wandering aimlessly for a few moments I spotted my sibling and her Eurocandy coming towards me. I'm going to stop here and mention why I have decided to call him Eurocandy. After attending a homosexual filled thanksgiving with my sibling, the gays went a little bonkers over Eurocandy and gave him his name. I decided I liked it and thus, it stuck. He was one of few men I had ever seen my sibling around that actually dwarfed her. I loved this because I am always feeling midget-ized and felt having a taste of her own medicine would be good for her.
Upon retrieving my bag my sibling was shocked that anyone could travel anywhere without 9 bags and a carry-on for 4 days. I'm amazing what can I say. Once outside, my sibling, Eurocandy, and I waited for Platypus. It dawns on me now that I spend a large chunk of my life WAITING on Platypus, but thats a whole other can of worms. All the sudden we saw a bright blue Ford Escape coming towards us with loud rap music coming from it. THIS, is Platypuses M.O., she loves her "black-music", her words, not mine, and likes to blare it loudly from her incredibly 'white' vehicle. The more characteristically 'white', the better. "Holy crap Platypus! this is not the VMA's. Dial it down a notch!" was my reaction, however I opted for the more subtle, "turn this shit down". Platypus is a hot damn mess at the best of times, but she has these moments where I think she wants to be Tupac and I have to burst her bubble back to reality. I recall one specific instance in Vancouver in a rented Crown Vic that always makes me smile; The car was silent, and all you could hear was me gnawing on my tuna fish sandwich. Out of the blue, Platypus very sternly and seriously with the same inflection one would use to remind themselves to pick up the dry cleaning, "I need to get a Ludacris CD". I am 80% sure I choked on my food. I wanted to explain to my mother that she was white, and that white mothers of two do not frequently purchase his album. But sometimes, as is typical with most of my family, I like to let the lunacy play out so I can laugh about it later. After driving around and having to tell Plat several times to turn her gangsta rap down, we reached my hotel and I got to check in and have a much awaited shower.
I walked up to the random concierge who clearly had not slept in months and explained that I was Popsicles daughter and he had made arrangements for me to check in prior to his arrival. She listed two reservations under Popsicles name, A room with 2 beds, and an executive suite. "Well, the suite certainly sounds like Popsicle, but I know he changed the reservation when I decided to attend so I think it is the second one.." I explained to the shrew at the counter. She took my card and gave me a room key and I went on my way. Upon arriving in my room, I was 90% sure I had made an error. This room was the size of a walk in closet and had 2 of the smallest beds I have ever seen. I believe " what the fuck!" was my exact reaction to this much awry chain of events. But I was exhausted so I decided to shower and order some meatloaf. Popsicle wouldn't arrive till 1am so I decided to get some sleep.
I have enough issues sleeping in strange locals due to my anxiety disorder, but this hot mess of a room was not making it much easier. By the time I finally passed out I was awoken by a "rat tat tat" at the door. Fuck. A serial killer. If you think i'm kidding, I am so not. This is part of generalized anxiety disorder. Everything from a knock at the door to a kitten sets me off like an asshole. Life worrys me. Nevermind some strange asshole at the door. Once I realized it was Popsicle I groggily opened the door and asked him why the fuck he didn't think to use his provided room key. He announced that he was in a suite upstairs and that this location was not suitable for him. Fuck. Well excellent. Now i get to uproot my ass and relocate to a whole other wing of the hotel. Popsicle seemed set on doing it right then, but i got back in bed, put on my eyeshades and pulled the covers over my head. To any sane person this is a gesture to fuck off, but Popsicle was not copying me. He insisted on planning for the next days move. I was over it and kicked him out. I proceeded to take an Ativan, an inanely common occurrence around Popsicle, and went back to bed.
Day Two:
At 8:30am I was promptly woken via phone by Popsicle who suggested I get my shit together so I could move. I had to get dressed for the siblings graduation brunch and convocation and move my shit all at once. This was not going to be a good morning. And of course, Popsicle had to show up to stress me out/move me along midway through and inquired as to why my skirt and top didn't seem to match. "WELL, if I didn't have people pacing around my room and rushing me about I'd be a bit more together wouldn't I?". It's well established I have anxiety, But popsicle is about a million times worse about most things.Its fucking exhausting and he should really be consulting a professional. I rallied my ass, moved my stuff, and we went down to the main floor for some breakfast. We hadn't been sitting more than 5 minutes when I start playing with Popsicles iPad and creating an aquatic sea scape when I hear, "SHITTTT!". " WHAT?, POPSICLE, WHAT IS WRONG?", I contemplated asking if Timmy fell down the well but I sensed from the sheet white color he had turned that this was not the time. " I LEFT YOUR SISTERS GRADUATION DRESS ON THE PLANE!"... I Covered my mouth in shock, partly to conceal my laughter. Before his heart could skip another beat Popsicle was on the phone with his over-payed travel god getting it tracked down. The gentleman's name was Scott and he said he would call Popsicle ASAP with any developments. Any chance of this day going at all smoothly was about to fly right out the fucking window.
It has been explained to me that due to my anxiety disorder I tend to pant rather than breathe like a normal person. I had never really understood this until I saw Popsicle in his state of despair. I managed to calm him mildly and we got into a cab and headed for my siblings school. I had wanted to bring Platypus in at this juncture because of her avid air travel contacts, but Popsicle forbid it. He had a look on his face that was about on par with " hey dad i'm pregnant", so I decided to obey his wishes, as much as it pained me to do so for comedic reasons. Once we arrived at the school, Popsicle was still flipping out and upon seeing my sibling began sweating bullets. My sister is terrifying a the best of times, I can only imagine her wrath if her custom made grad dress did not arrive. This shit is HILARIOUS when it isn't happening to you personally. Popsicle is a hot mess, and this little incident had proven me right. Every time she was within 30cm's of him, Popsicle would flip out. He spent most of his time on the phone with Scott and how my sibling didn't catch on that something was up, I was shocked. Dad has all the ticks of a lime diseased mouse, he is not skilled at being subtle when trouble is afoot. I attempted to offer him prescription anti-psychotics to hide his freakish franticness but he was having none of it.
Once we got into the gym, and were waiting for everyone to get their shit together so I could see my sibling convocate, Popsicle told Platypus and my aunt what he had done. Platypus just about died. She loves to think Popsicle is totally incompetent so when shit like this happens she is over the bloody moon about it. She wished Popsicle luck in his location of the gown because she knew my sibling would rip him in half if he did not manage to get it to her before he had to confess his mistake. Once the grad finally started Popsicle got more nervous. The closer we got to her graduation dinner, the more trouble he knew was coming to him. When each graduate was on stage, they would announce their accomplishments, if they were graduating with honors, and what schools they were accepted to, as well as where they planned to attend. WHAT A FUCKING NIGHTMARE. Nothing makes you feel like more of an asshole than watching 90 17-year olds have their triumphs listed to you in sequence. NOTHING. I am aware that I myself have many accomplishments, but this bullshit was seriously out of hand. If i had a gun with me, I would have used it. Only one fuck up didn't graduate with honors of any kind. She looked like a slut, but If i was her, being the only loser in the entire graduating class to NOT have honors, I'd have jumped off a cliff. I'm sorry, I don't give a shit that your child is amazing. You payed for this so I have no Idea why it needs to go on parade. Anywho, once they got to my sibling I was about to wet my pants. Platypus looked on proudly, Popsicle, hot mess that he is, was fucking with the camera and managed to miss the whole thing, and I was sitting on the edge of my chair beaming like an idiot. I was easily the proudest person there. I did not expect to be so excited but it snuck up on me. You would have thought Britney Spears was graduating from my immensely excited look. Although my sibling looked destained, I screamed anyways. How often does your only younger sister graduate?! Once. The answer is once. Midway through, Popsicle informed me that Scott had located the package and Platypus agreed to pick it up when she went back to the airport. It really was a team effort from everyone but myself. I was just thrilled to see my parents working together, apparently years of loathing had gotten old and they decided to be a team.
After all the graduating, we went for dinner at the best steakhouse in Winnipeg, Selected by my VEGAN sibling. Why a vegan would choose to go somewhere she couldn't eat anything i have no idea. But regardless it was the BEST Meal I have had in a while. We went with a friend of hers and her family of brazilians. Let me tell you, The brazilians have a passion for meat that cannot be matched. Also the more it bleeds, the happier they are. It's similar to how starving lions react to fresh meat. My sibling also introduced me to a tower of, and I cannot stress what an under-sell this is, THE BEST ONION RINGS EVER CREATED!! Holy smokes were these little tempura battered messes good. After this gigantic meal, we went back to the hotel room to rest/ prepare for the hot mess that would be the next day.
Day 3:
On the third day of grad-fest at my siblings school, was the big grad dinner with everyones family and assorted dates. Since Popsicle had located the package, aka, my siblings dress, I was slightly less excited about the drama that would occur. It being Winnipeg, Popsicle and I did virtually nothing all day other than playing with his iPad, so we were steeped to venture outside of the room. Once we got dressed we went to mingle with my aunts and Platypus at the bar. While awaiting my siblings arrival, we ordered champagne and Popsicle informed us that my sibling had requested he send the car service for her at her party. Because clearly, her shit was in top organizational form... This is sort of typical of my sibling, she just assumes Popsicle will send for her wherever her location and straighten out and shit of hers that is awry. I, being the older sibling am often left to figure things out for myself, or if I am to receive assistance I am informed that I should really have been thinking clearly. Apparently, nobody expects my sister and her whirlwind tornado to think for itself. Once she finally arrived at the bar we gathered the group and headed up to the designated area.
This is where shit began to hit the fan at a rapid rate. Platypus and Popsicle were learning from the photography team that they could not have the 15 or so photos they desired and would need to stay within a space of 3-4 as to not take up the entire fucking evening. This is pretty typical of the circus, we seem to think that the world revolves around a central point, and that point is our hot mess of a family. After hearing Plat and Pop discuss what various poses my sibling would need to take, we finally settled on 4. The team of individuals taking these pictures pretty much looked at us like we were right out of our tree. I don't blame them, I myself was trying to locate the nearest alcoholic beverage to my human! SO long carb free diet! As long as my entire family is involved I find it best to drink Heavily. I felt for my sibling who could not partake in alcohol and considered slipping her an Ativan. After we ruined the lives of the photographers, the clan moved on to the middle of the cocktail area where we proceeded to fawn over various camera difficulties. My mother did not comprehend I knew how to work a camera and requested I find Eurocandy at once,as this was a 'blue' job. Popsicle attempted to remedy the situation, but he struggles to turn ON the camera let alone preform diagnostics. I was then instructed to take photos of Platypus and my aunts in their outfits so they could show them to grandmother. Platypus made a huge deal of this and pretty much told me not to fuck it up. Apparently, taking pictures of 3 people all at once was more than my little bird brain could muster.... Once everyone had been photographed I marched up to the bar and took the nearest glass of white wine I could locate and proceeded to knock it back like I was at a kegger. This was rapidly increasing my anxiety and I had decided on self-medicating rather than jumping out the window nearest me.
Once we all got into the dinner area and found our table we were informed by Platypus that she was required to sign a waiver that nobody at our table would get out of hand. This was a pretty lost cause as I was rapidly becoming more intoxicated. My sibling then shared a story from her convocation, saying that the head of graduation or whatever had come up to her and said " oh! you decided not to wear makeup to grad! Thats so cute!". I immediately disliked her. Having been picked on for most of my education up until highschool where I became a D cup, and people started noticing me, I had much experience with these types of girls. Basically, their sole premise is to make themselves feel more important by telling you your shit is out of line. And upon becoming much more sure of my place in the social order of things, I had become accustom to telling these sorts of girls to shove it up their ass. I would also like to state that if any of you have a younger sibling you will understand my distain for this girl. Having a younger sibling, even if they could easily beat the tar out of you like my amazon sister, you still feel the need to protect them from assholes like this.My sibling suffers from being far too polite to people she should really punch in the face. I informed her I would like to meet this bitch and set her straight about what's what. My sibling told me that she was wearing a dress she had made a week ago. I decided my plan of attack would be to go up to this girl and say " oh your speech was nice! Oh your dress looks homemade thats so cute!". Everyone but my sister seemed to share my enthusiasm for this comment. Has I run in to her in the bathroom, that is exactly the speech I would make. My sibling was determined naturally to keep us as far apart as possible.
After all the endless speeches and videos I had come to learn were going to be a theme of the grad festivities, came the dancing. I do not consider myself a strong dancer. In fact, I am positive I would win "So you think you can't dance?" if it ever becomes a show. But I decided to participate with my sibling and Popsicle, As well as my siblings brazilian friend and her ballin' ass brazilian family. The brazilians throw down, let me tell you. Once we all started dancing in a circle and fist pumping, a japanese friend of my sibling and his parents had joined in. This would not be exciting normally, but they were in full on kimonos and rocking it japan style. I don't know if I have ever been so excited to dance with someone in my life. This guys little 4 foot asian momma in her ballin' kimono was fist pumping. I just about wet myself. This was easily the highlight of the weekend. By that time, It was 11pm and everyone who was not a date of a graduate was kicked the fuck out. This was fine with me because I was pretty close to being on my face, and as long as my family is present at important events, my life will NOT be together.
P.S- I forgot to mention in my rant about the mean girl, but halfway through dinner, my hot mess of an aunt got up, and left. She decided she had enough graduation and without a goodbye peaced it. This is very much typical of her, however Platypus was sure she was in the bathroom, and upon learning that she was off the reservation, was not overly shocked. I can't wait till people think I am out of my tree enough to just bounce in the middle of a meal. That will be the day...
On the third day of grad-fest at my siblings school, was the big grad dinner with everyones family and assorted dates. Since Popsicle had located the package, aka, my siblings dress, I was slightly less excited about the drama that would occur. It being Winnipeg, Popsicle and I did virtually nothing all day other than playing with his iPad, so we were steeped to venture outside of the room. Once we got dressed we went to mingle with my aunts and Platypus at the bar. While awaiting my siblings arrival, we ordered champagne and Popsicle informed us that my sibling had requested he send the car service for her at her party. Because clearly, her shit was in top organizational form... This is sort of typical of my sibling, she just assumes Popsicle will send for her wherever her location and straighten out and shit of hers that is awry. I, being the older sibling am often left to figure things out for myself, or if I am to receive assistance I am informed that I should really have been thinking clearly. Apparently, nobody expects my sister and her whirlwind tornado to think for itself. Once she finally arrived at the bar we gathered the group and headed up to the designated area.
This is where shit began to hit the fan at a rapid rate. Platypus and Popsicle were learning from the photography team that they could not have the 15 or so photos they desired and would need to stay within a space of 3-4 as to not take up the entire fucking evening. This is pretty typical of the circus, we seem to think that the world revolves around a central point, and that point is our hot mess of a family. After hearing Plat and Pop discuss what various poses my sibling would need to take, we finally settled on 4. The team of individuals taking these pictures pretty much looked at us like we were right out of our tree. I don't blame them, I myself was trying to locate the nearest alcoholic beverage to my human! SO long carb free diet! As long as my entire family is involved I find it best to drink Heavily. I felt for my sibling who could not partake in alcohol and considered slipping her an Ativan. After we ruined the lives of the photographers, the clan moved on to the middle of the cocktail area where we proceeded to fawn over various camera difficulties. My mother did not comprehend I knew how to work a camera and requested I find Eurocandy at once,as this was a 'blue' job. Popsicle attempted to remedy the situation, but he struggles to turn ON the camera let alone preform diagnostics. I was then instructed to take photos of Platypus and my aunts in their outfits so they could show them to grandmother. Platypus made a huge deal of this and pretty much told me not to fuck it up. Apparently, taking pictures of 3 people all at once was more than my little bird brain could muster.... Once everyone had been photographed I marched up to the bar and took the nearest glass of white wine I could locate and proceeded to knock it back like I was at a kegger. This was rapidly increasing my anxiety and I had decided on self-medicating rather than jumping out the window nearest me.
Once we all got into the dinner area and found our table we were informed by Platypus that she was required to sign a waiver that nobody at our table would get out of hand. This was a pretty lost cause as I was rapidly becoming more intoxicated. My sibling then shared a story from her convocation, saying that the head of graduation or whatever had come up to her and said " oh! you decided not to wear makeup to grad! Thats so cute!". I immediately disliked her. Having been picked on for most of my education up until highschool where I became a D cup, and people started noticing me, I had much experience with these types of girls. Basically, their sole premise is to make themselves feel more important by telling you your shit is out of line. And upon becoming much more sure of my place in the social order of things, I had become accustom to telling these sorts of girls to shove it up their ass. I would also like to state that if any of you have a younger sibling you will understand my distain for this girl. Having a younger sibling, even if they could easily beat the tar out of you like my amazon sister, you still feel the need to protect them from assholes like this.My sibling suffers from being far too polite to people she should really punch in the face. I informed her I would like to meet this bitch and set her straight about what's what. My sibling told me that she was wearing a dress she had made a week ago. I decided my plan of attack would be to go up to this girl and say " oh your speech was nice! Oh your dress looks homemade thats so cute!". Everyone but my sister seemed to share my enthusiasm for this comment. Has I run in to her in the bathroom, that is exactly the speech I would make. My sibling was determined naturally to keep us as far apart as possible.
After all the endless speeches and videos I had come to learn were going to be a theme of the grad festivities, came the dancing. I do not consider myself a strong dancer. In fact, I am positive I would win "So you think you can't dance?" if it ever becomes a show. But I decided to participate with my sibling and Popsicle, As well as my siblings brazilian friend and her ballin' ass brazilian family. The brazilians throw down, let me tell you. Once we all started dancing in a circle and fist pumping, a japanese friend of my sibling and his parents had joined in. This would not be exciting normally, but they were in full on kimonos and rocking it japan style. I don't know if I have ever been so excited to dance with someone in my life. This guys little 4 foot asian momma in her ballin' kimono was fist pumping. I just about wet myself. This was easily the highlight of the weekend. By that time, It was 11pm and everyone who was not a date of a graduate was kicked the fuck out. This was fine with me because I was pretty close to being on my face, and as long as my family is present at important events, my life will NOT be together.
P.S- I forgot to mention in my rant about the mean girl, but halfway through dinner, my hot mess of an aunt got up, and left. She decided she had enough graduation and without a goodbye peaced it. This is very much typical of her, however Platypus was sure she was in the bathroom, and upon learning that she was off the reservation, was not overly shocked. I can't wait till people think I am out of my tree enough to just bounce in the middle of a meal. That will be the day...
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