My Thoughts on Relationships.

Recently, I have had many of the individuals in my life informing me of their various relationship woes. I have been finding it oddly amusing only because ever since Mancandy entered the picture and I have been in a blissfully well organized relationship, and I feel I am now some sort of expert on happiness. Much to the she-grin of my peers, who often know me to be in the most dysfunctional relationship of the group and at life in general. My surroundings tend to reject me at inopportune times. Its not my strength. I am not going to sit here and defend that statement since I will be the first to admit that my skills at all interpersonal relationships are sub par, especially in any sort of romantic pairing. I will admit I have made my many mistakes in my 7ish years in the dating world, But I’d like to think that I learn pretty well from my mistakes. This is partly because due to my lack of understanding about romantic relationships as a child. I often feel I tend to do things in relationships like you would in a scientific experiment, - I do what I do to see what will happen. I use it as a learning opportunity. In doing so, I have gathered some vital information on relationships I feel obligated to share. I wish to outline for you all my thoughts and feelings on relationships, engagement, marriage, and possibly divorce. However, Much like with Law & Order, and as is typical of my blog, the names have been changed to protect the guilty parties. J

REATIONSHIPS.

As many people who know me well are aware, I think the whole boyfriend-girlfriend situation is overrated. Before you all revolt in a fit of rage about this theory, hear me out. If you have been in a relationship at all, you should recognize that there is a pattern that emerges when you start seeing someone new. First, It’s all rainbows and butterflies and sunshine. You are under the mass delusion that this person is perfect, and you’re wrong. Their just hiding their idiosyncrasies from you long enough to get in your pants and feel out the sexual component of the relationship before they let you know how weird and messed up they really are. But in the meantime, you are happy and free to lie to them in regards to how you really feel about things. (At least that’s what I hear since I lack a mental filter and have the desire to say whatever I think anyways) Initially, you trust the other person and think they’re fan-fucking-tastic. (By the way, this is how relationships are supposed to be all the time.)

You really should trust the other person. If you have a vagina, this is the point where you start thinking “hey, I’d like to tie this guy down like a tarp so he can’t get away”. If you have a penis, this thought does not enter your skull, you’re more than likely picturing her naked. Men, I commend you for you simplicity and choose to embrace it.

Then, shit hits the fan. It is at this point that I feel a lot of women make a huge and very unforgivable mistake. You want to have “the talk”. (When I started dating Mancandy, I informed him of my distaste for the talk and that It would not be occurring in the near future. I have realized picking a boyfriend is a lot like buying new car- you shouldn’t commit to anything before you do research and take it for a thorough test drive. I like to know what it is I’m getting into, and told him if he insists on having it, he would need to wait a minimum of 6 months. He agreed and it’s probably the reason he’s still around. Never date a man who wants to tie you down. Trust me, it’s a horrible sign that he’s a fatty or a cyborg and I have dated both.)

The talk is the quickest way to take your relationship from happy to horrible at the speed of light. You have gone from expecting nothing but happiness, affection and sex from each other, to crazy insane demands like driving the other to work everyday and requiring them to meet all your friends and be nice to them. Then expecting them to bring you things when you’re sick and walk your dog if you’re out of town. This is WRONG.

Expectations ruin relationships. They’re like a pregnancy scare, they fuck up everything for the foreseeable future. I have the utmost faith in this statement, and wish to demonstrate why assuming that because a man is your “boyfriend”, he will do anything you ask regardless of what his plans or thoughts happen to be because he “loves” you is fucking insane. And if you are reading this now and agreeing with this statement, don’t go picking out his and hers towels because you are going to die alone.

In my time since puberty, I have come to realize that men do not feel this way. The crap that they feed you in chick flicks and Cinderella stories is complete and utter bullshit. It is not reality. Men don’t want to treat you like a princess, because they don’t feel they need to. Frankly, if you’re acting like a princess, being demanding and silly and insane, and thinking men find it cute, you deserve to be imprisoned or shot because you are out of your fucking tree. I realize that yes, in my youth I made these mistakes like many of you, the difference is I got wise to it a hell of a lot quicker. Women really need to stop more often and listen to themselves. They need to think, “ is what I’m saying a little crazy? If a friend told me this about her relationship, would I think to myself, hey that’s a little insane?”. The last one is tricky, but trust me, It will be your saving grace. Often when my girlfriends tell me the stupid insane things that they are demanding of their significant others, rather than try and reason with them, I stop. Wait 10 minutes, and then tell them basically the exact same thing they just told me in different words. 8-10 times, they tell me I’m being silly. I then stop and inform them their fucking insane and need to listen to their own advice. Women seem to lack the ability to put themselves in their man’s shoes. I have 90% male friends, so I truly grasp this concept and have found it abundantly useful. To further demonstrate my point, I have constructed this case study so you can all see where I get these crazy ideas.

CASE STUDY 1: “Insane Expectations”

I have one girlfriend who has been dating a guy for about a year now. They see each other pretty much every day and he is responsible for driving her home from school everyday because apparently, his work is someplace in the vicinity and this constitutes and an opportunity for them to spend even more time together. Because, god knows, spending abundant and necessary amounts of time around someone doesn’t make you want to kill them with a sharp object. Think of family gatherings during the holidays, you love these people but after all day with them you want them to burn. There you go, we’re on the same page.

Initially when she informed me of this arrangement, I kept my thoughts to myself. Something I rarely do but had the good sense to at this time. However, I knew it would eventually not end well and at some point I would end up getting dragged into it. My initial thought was, “hmm… if I insisted Mancandy drop by every time he went to the gym, just because it was in the same general vicinity as my condo, do I think he may eventually grow to despise me?” Dear Moron, The correct answer is yes. Although sure, like once every 2 months as a surprise if he wasn’t too tired, sure, that’d be cute, but other than that It’s nuts. I mean think about it, If you had just worked all day and wanted to go home and chill out, would you want to drive around your significant other? Every day? Without say, the ability to change plans and go for a drink with your friends because, THEY need you?. No. You’re wrong. And if you think that’s what you want, you’re lying to yourself. My general rule is, If you rationally wouldn’t want to do it for him, don’t expect him to want to do it for you. Trust me, you’ll be happier and so will he. I should know, my relationship is working pretty well ;) at least according to Platypus.

This point could not be proven more true than when my girlfriend called me semi-hysterical and asked me if I could pick her up from school. When I inquired as to why, she said that her boyfriend wouldn’t do it and that she needed to go home and couldn’t take the bus because it was allergy season. I too have wintertime allergies and understood the severity of that request. It feels like you’re foggy and high and want it to end but it just won’t. It’s not fun times. Personally, I would have just taken the bus or called a cab, but much like with Taste of Asia, I had learned it was a lot easier to go along with her than fight the irrational. I had nothing better to do so I decided to go pick her up. Upon her arrival in my vehicle, I was informed that her boyfriend was an asshole and that she wanted to smack him. Then, I heard quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever heard come out of this particular friends mouth. “Well, I asked him to pick me up but he said he can’t because he wants to go for dinner with his Dad after their done work and doesn’t want to drive all the way home practically to drop me off, then back here, then back down south for dinner. But he said he would and I’m just really hurt that he won’t do it.”…I paused and was hugely confused by this whole thing, but found it utterly amusing so I let her continue, “He promised he would because I have a lot of books from school and I don’t want to carry them on the bus”…(This friend of mine is extremely athletic, I think she could take a rhino and I had no doubts about her ability to carry large books.) At this point, I saw exactly where she had gone wrong and couldn’t contain my excitement in pointing it out. “Fact. Always have a backup plan you are willing to live with”, I informed her, “ Men, for the most part never do what they say they are going to do. They usually only agree so you stop whining about it. Expecting that at all is completely insane and you should get rid of that idea right now. And before you tell me he’s an exception, he’s not. I know he has pulled this sort of shit before”. At this point she was kind of on the same page, but still stupidly wanted to believe that her boyfriend felt she was the center of his universe. I have told her several times that this is not true but she often does not seem to follow my train of sanity.

I love her to death, but she craves drama and loves any possible chance she can get to piss him off. She follows a gay pattern of fighting with him, calling me crying, and then texts me the next day and says he treated her like a princess for the rest of the day. It’s a lot like a soap opera, and just as stupid and exhausting. Fact: I have met this man, he’s tall, lanky and skittish and probably scared for his life. He’s not unlike a praying mantis, but with less sex appeal. Now, not that I am condoning her Mel Gibson meets Tom Cruise like behavior, but this particular man really won’t do any better and If I was him I’d shape the fuck up if any woman wanted to see me naked. That aside, my point is that frankly, if you slow down the crazy and think rationally you will realize that a lot of the things women demand of men can be a little insane.

Personally, I’d take a $15 cab ride instead of being in a car with Mancandy pissed at me, Although I am pretty independent so I would not have used him as a resource anyways. Also, he’s huge and I’m sure terrifying when aggravated. I additionally appreciate that he works far too hard to be bogged down by nonsense and am grateful he considers having the time to date me at all. This being said, I would like to state that knowing him well enough, if it was an emergency he would have probably come through for me. This is the wonderful thing about fostering mutual respect for each other in a relationship. The other person is then less inclined to see you as a complete and utter pain in the ass.

SO - You may be wondering what it is you are you are to have learned thus far? Luckily for you, I broke it down. J

1. Some of my friends should be hospitalized and put under psychiatric care.

2. Don’t expect men to put up with your shit if you wouldn’t put up with theirs. That’s just common courtesy.

3. Lanky people can’t be choosers.

4. Think carefully before you make insane demands in a relationship. It’s a lot like negotiating with a terrorist, except, you’re a bipolar terrorist and you’re negotiating with yourself. You really must be concerned with what’s best for everyone, including the people who have to listen to you bitch and moan about your relationship.

All this having been said, I feel obligated to demonstrate again some of the insane mistakes the women around me have been making lately; Mostly because they don’t listen to sane rational arguments, and I need an outlet for my rage. Much like one of those serial killing cops who seeks out revenge on behalf of those who have been wronged, I feel I must somehow get things off my chest, albeit in a more productive manner before I snap and kill someone.