Baking with Taste of Asia.

As you may have all come to realize, the people in my life are somewhat insane and should probably be under psychiatric care. I completely agree. However, one of the best examples of this statement is my best friend, "Taste of Asia". Why call her "Taste of Asia"? you might ask. Well, Frankly, it suits her. A few years ago, KFC introduced its "Taste of Asia" meal. It was essentially their standard fried chicken covered in an Asianesque sauce. It was something very white on the inside at its core, and Asian looking on the outside. Hence the resemblance to my comrade. One thing the reader may need to know about Taste of Asia is that she is a genius. Like most people that come from rigid Asian families, She is extraordinarily gifted in her academic pursuits. I frequently inform people that she is going to cure cancer someday. The downside to this wonderful talent, is that she can be completely retarded when it comes to simple every day things that anyone with an IQ over 40 could figure out. Sometimes, with the little things, her failure to grasp the concept makes me want to punch her in the vagina. Knowing Taste of Asia however, she would probably inform me that it was an insufficient way to harm someone and proceed to retaliate effectively. I could go on for hours about Asia and her many quirks, but you will all just have to trust that she is indeed, a "special" individual.

On this particular instance with Asia, I had called her on one of her few visits home from school to inquire as to when I might be able to see her slanted eyes and enjoy her akwardly sunny disposition. Upon speaking with her I was shortly informed that her friends dog had died and that he was pretty down in the dumps about it. I shared my sympathies for the dog at this juncture, but was completely aloof as to how its misfortune was going to effect me. Like many times I have been sucked into Asia's insanity, this had completely blindsided my ass and I was about to be taken on a ride. I was about to be hugely displeased. "Mads, I asked if there was anything I could do, and he said cookies might help. So I was thinking I'd Make him cookies. What do you think?", this alone should have tipped me off seeing as Asia has the cooking abilities of someone with anorexia. But a lass, it did not. " I think it's great dude, but can you even make cookies?"...."well, no. I was kinda hoping my best friend would help me??..." I could sense her puppy dog eyes through the phone and was pretty fucking pissed that I was falling for it. I find people of Asian decent always seem to look extra sad to me when they're upset, and Asia was no exception. "Ok, ya but, well, how many cookies am I making here dude?"..."just a few different kinds you know..."...At this point I made the horrible misconception that Asia's mathematical skills would transfer to a baking environment. WRONG. WRONG.WRONG. But I continued on my self destructive path. "Ok well how about after your work you come by and we can make them, I'll pick some out and then go get the ingredients. You better help though bitch! I'm not fucking around!" I informed her as I flipped through cookbooks and quizzed her on various varieties of cookie. By the end, we had picked out seven cookies that we were going to make in a matter of 5 hours. Yes I was out of my fucking tree and about to regret it the way I assume birds do when they get hit by a city bus. However, I enjoy a challenge, especially when Asia was involved. I feel any form of patience I show her gives me a fuzzy feeling much like helping an elderly person struggling with dementia remember that toothpaste goes in their mouth and is not a laxative.

Once I had gathered the necessary items I started what I could until Asia arrived. I knew any prep work I could get accomplished would definitely help out when she arrived and keep me as sane as was possible. Upon Asia's arrival I immediately set her to work. Her fear/inability to properly crack an egg baffled and amazed me but I pushed on. I have been told on many occasions that I am an impossibly talented baker, this I can only credit with endless practice and being a spawn of Platypus and somewhat related to my Grandmother who makes the best cookies on earth. You may protest at this point that it is in fact your Nana that makes the best cookies, but no. You're wrong. It's mine. Pre Asia's arrival, I had coordinated all the recipes vis a vi, time, steps and baking temperature. This was a well oiled machine and I was on a fucking mission to get this shit accomplished, despite the shortcomings of my pal. Things had been developing pretty well, and we were making good progress with a few incidents here and there. Asia was starting to feel as If she wasn't helping enough and wanted to start another cookie on her own, with minimal intervention from me, just to prove she could do it. At this point, I was elated that she was showing such fire for the cause and stupidly let her venture off on her own. I imagine the feeling that happened next is how parents feel when they allow their children to help with dinner and it ends up tasting like shit or having lego in it. You feel stupid and displeased all at once.

Before I describe what happens next, I would like to explain to the reader that the sugar/egg/butter ratio is VASTLY important to the shape and integrity of a cookie. Its a fact and I am adamant about it. Chef Michael Smith has even told me personally that he is impressed with my civilian understanding of the gastronomy of the cookie, I know my shit. I'm no noob.

I allowed Taste of Asia to explore her culinary skills while I fluttered my tiny kitchen trying to keep things together in regards to our other baking ventures. Then all the sudden, Asia wished to assume my task. I allowed it and went over to observe her cookie. I looked into the mixer and knew immediately something was wrong. I have a sixth sense when it comes to baked goods. I'm like Spiderman for cookies. "Asia?..what did you do?..." I inquired, Asia was irate at my implying that she was sucking at anything, and told me to calm the fuck down and stop being such a know it all. I asked her to repeat every action she just went through...sugar, egg,...butter.

I'd like to stop again and inform to you that butter comes with a measure on the inside of the package that indicates the denominations with which you can distribute your butter. People like myself with mad skills can figure this out without the ruler, but noobs, like Asia, are why the nice butter company provides you with this information. "Asia, how much butter did you put in?..."..."A cup like it said..."..."Um...no....you're wrong. Show me what you think a cup is..." At this point, I was ready to cry or laugh and I was still deciding which. Stupid confusions like this really piss me off. Because society tries to prevent dip shits from engaging in these activities by providing neat things like the butter fucking ruler, and if you don't know that by now I'd like you to go kill yourself, right now, because you suck. Asia got the butter and indicated what she put in.....1.5 cups.... greattttt.... how anyone could fuck that up considering that the butter is a single unit, and half of it is a cup, I REALLY don't know. How Asia failed to intake this information in her youth, I don't know. I guess they don't put butter in fortune cookies. But, I digress. At this point, I proceeded to completely lose my shit. " OH MY GOD YOU'RE COMPLETELY STUPID DO YOU KNOW THAT??? HOW OH HOW COULD YOU FUCK THIS UP????"

Asia seems to love when her pure stupidity causes me to lose my freaking mind and all the veins to pop out of my neck. This is the same woman who threw a shit fit when BBM ( Black Berry Messenger ) went down and she wanted to speak to her boyfriend, IMMEDIATELY. I tried to offer her options like texting but no, she wailed at me like this was the most in-excusable option anyone could present her with. " No Mads, It needs to be instant!" she yelled with the same inflection as someone negotiating in a hostage situation. " WELL DIPSHIT, there's this thing, it's called a phone. You call someone, on their phone, and they answer and you talk and then they talk and so on and so forth" , I was baffled to be explaining this to someone in an Honors program, but clearly she's a dumbass when it comes to basic compatibility with life. " No! it has to be Skype!!" ..." I don't have Skype, I'm not a newlywed with a loved one in Iraq or Oprah, I have a life"....Asia then proceeded to explain how I suck for not having Skype and how it was better. I realized in the 20 minutes it took her to infect my system with this program that she could be speaking with her boyfriend but this information was lost on Taste of Asia. She finally connected with him, proceeding to completely ignore me and leave me in the dark as to WHY their discussing nothing was so pivotal, but again, I try not to overburden her little mind with too much confusing stimuli. ANYWHO, back to the cookies.

"Calm down Mad's!! it's no big deal!" hahaha hahahaah ohhhh simple minded Asian, you DESTROYED my cookies. " You realize now we have to add an extra half the recipe worth of ingredients to make this work hey? I didn't budget time for that. However, considering you're assisting I really should have"..." What's that mean? Look I didn't know I'M sorry!"... I proceeded to yell at her for a good 5 minutes while she laughed hysterically at my aggravation. This little incident occurred at a time, Before Mancandy came into my life and mellowed me entierly, and I was a psychotic anal control freak. Any change in schedule would cause me to go bat shit insane like that shark in JAWS... I was displeased. I wasn't so much angry at Asia, I was angry at the school system for letting her down so incredibly. I think we may have been in the same home Ec class in Jr.High, so I really was mad at this kid falling through the cracks. However, in true fashion of Asia and I, She eventually got me to laugh at how irate I was Hugged me much in the same way you hug a kid who just fell off their bike, and calmly asked me what to do. Asia understands that at some point, I become the Hulk and want to rip her limbs off so she needs to cease her retarded behavior immediately. Good friends know when you're a second away from punching them in the fucking face. It's a good trait. Eventually, We actually got all 6 cookies and 1 type of chocolate truffle made. I was impressed. I felt much like I had just coached a special olympics team to a win. I was ready to fist pump and kick Asia the hell out of my apartment. Although our cookies came out great, as long as people like Asia exist in my life, It will continue NOT to be together.

** Asia, If you're reading this, know I love you and I treasure my dysfunctional moments with you. :) like when you had me listen to the spanish phone recording and then proceeded to fall through my blinds and rip your pants. :)