The Bank Incident(s).

SO, heres the skinny.

A while back, Popsicle had decided that he wanted to switch his banking service provider so that it would be "easier" for him to provide me and my sibling with any monetary funds we desired. This was assumed by Popsicle to be the case because it was an "international bank", which gave Popsicle the impression that they had their shit together and could in fact follow through on all the magical things they claimed. Popsicle could not have been more misinformed. Needless to say my experience with this bank has been a disaster. In an attempt not to slander this bank, I shall only inform the reader that is a bank of asian decent. I would also like to point out that the asians, to my knowledge, are not known for their financial prowess,They're known for their cars, technology and sex tourism. NOT BANKING.

When I quizzed Popsicle initially on how this was going to effect me he informed me that he could then put money into an account for me at this bank. When I noted that I did not currently do business with this bank, nor did I have a desire to relocate my funds from their current location he seemed uninterested in abandoning his chosen venture with the asian bank. "It has branches all over the world! I can send you money electronically with online banking! Isn't that great??" was his sentiment. Popsicle has trouble with a DVD player, but now wants to try his and at electronic banking? Give me a fucking break. But as I seem to do, I gave into Popsicles attempts to busy himself with a project, and allowed him to completely turn my life ass backwards. What follows are the events that transpired from Popsicles ill advised plans to involve himself with the asian bank.

ISSUE 1:

Popsicle calls me and instructs me to go down to the local asian bank and speak with his newest advisor. She is employed by the asian bank to assist Popsicles other advisor in his location deal with his money and me in my location. ( Already you're probably thinking this seems a little Enron right? Ya, I'm with you there) Popsicle informed me that she would set up my account, teach me to work it, and then provide me with a debit card. I agreed to go down and entertain this woman and her list of ridiculous demands for information since I really had nothing better to do that day except for lunch with Platypus. So, off I went to the asian bank.

Upon meeting the advisor she informed me that she would be setting up my account and asked me for a long list of information so she could set it up. It then seemed as if there was a problem at every step, but I decided I was going to be a nice person that day and didn't ask why this was such fucking chore for her if this is what she spent all day doing. 2 hours into my 20 minute meeting I was finally issued my debit card and allowed to leave the asian bank. I updated Popsicle on my success and went about my day.

A few days later I received a phone call from Popsicle inquiring about my new card. "Hows the new card working sweetie?" he said with his usually overly chipper demeanor, " well actually Popsicle, you never actually put money in the account so I really couldn't tell you. What I CAN tell you, is that I suggest you get your shit together and get me some money so I can pay my rent on time and not have my water shut off". Popsicle really hates it when I give him direct and specific tasks that need to be completed immediately. I don't know if its the 30 some years he spent as a CEO or the ample spare time he now had that causes him to be annoyed by these things, whatever it is its getting old. "Well , I haven't set it up yet, I was going to go see her tomorrow" was his response, I think the irony in fact he excepted me to use a card with no money on it was lost on him so I let it slide. "Hey, you know, you can do it right now with that nifty online banking you were talking about. Why don't you give it a shot?"..."Well I'm in the middle of a movie...".."Dad, I'm gonna be in the middle of the street if I can't pay my bills on time! Understand? I really thought you had a handle on this?". After much debate with Popsicle, I convinced him to try logging into his online banking. The asian bank had a stupid complex online banking system requiring you to answer several questions and do a damn song and dance to access your money, Frankly, I should have known that Popsicle was up against forces beyond his ken. Upon reaching the website for the asian bank the Popsicle could not remember any of the answers to his security questions. I knew all the answers, but he was not having any of that and told me he did not need my input. The conversation ended with him becoming irate and me receiving no money.

ISSUE 2:

Popsicle informed me he was coming to town and that upon his arrival we would both go down to the asian bank and sort out this whole mess, he also informed me he had my new, official debit card in tow. I was horribly excited about the thought of acquiring funds and wanted to meet with him as soon as possible. However as is typical of Popsicle I had to wait and make an appointment so he could give the illusion he was actually busy. At this point my Visa bill is about 2 weeks from being due and I am starting to become impatient because not paying it on time and in the correct amount makes me feel a bit like a felon and I think that gives me wrinkles.

Popsicle and I went to the bank the next day and then he came to face with his nemesis... online banking. The woman at the bank explained that if he wanted to transfer money to my account on a monthly basis that he would have to set it up via online banking. ( I would like to point out that between our last conversation and now Popsicle had set up his online banking again and received new passwords ect.) now with the bank woman present, he could not recall the answers he had set up twice now. I tried to remain calm and provide him with answers, and then suggested he write them down as I had so that he could fucking recall them. He told me I was being silly, and I told him that he was the one being unreasonable. After about 30 minutes of confusion the bank people managed to set up the transfer. Popsicle then suggested I try my new card to see if it works before we leave the bank. Once again, it did not. They issued me my 3rd card and sent me on my way.

ISSUE 3:

I come home from a week in Hawaii with Popsicle anxious to use my new card. I went to Starbucks for coffee and went to try it out, only to be informed that it had been declined. I was pissed. Not only did I have to put a coffee on a credit card, but It looked like I would need to go back to the asian bank. I called Popsicle and explained I was pissed, " DO you know how much of an asshole I looked like having the card I pulled out of my $300 wallet be declined? do you see how that might be embarrassing for me? Thats not classy Dad. Not at all". He offered minimal condolences and told me to go back to the asian bank. Reluctantly I did so and they offered me yet another card. For those keeping score at home, this was card 4.

ISSUE 4:

It had come time to pay my Visa bill using my account with the asian bank. I had been dreading it with every inch of my being because I knew the asian bank would find a way to make it hard. I typed in my card number as the screen instructed and it told me I did not exist in the system. I tried to remain cool and tried the 3 other card numbers, eventually having the first one be successful. I went to pay the bill when it told me that the function did not exist. I had remembered the woman at the bank telling me it existed so I was confused. I called the hotline on the back of my card only to be told by some prissy voice that my call could not be completed as dialed. I'm a 90's kid, I can work a damn cell phone. I also was fighting a cold while doing this and it had also snowed the day before, (by the way, it was fucking MAY) so I was not steeped about my adventure to the asian bank.

Upon getting to the bank in my neon pink Ugg boots and sweats, I was a hot mess. I made eye contact with the same bank woman who had helped me previously and she motioned me to sit down. She then asked what was wrong. I informed her that at his point I was one irate individual and that because her bank was clearly not organized, I could not pay my Visa bill and it was now late because the payment I thought I had made never went through since my account "doesn't exist", I told her that now they were interfering with my life and it was a fucking problem. She managed to gather a coworker who like most male service staff I interact with ,seemed more intent on hitting on me than he did about solving my problem. I told him to save it and get my fucking bill payed. He could not complete my request and suggested I withdraw the cash and go over to my bank and pay my bill in person. I told him modern technology allowed me not to and he had frankly already caused me enough trouble. I also told him I hate carrying cash because it makes me feel like a prostitute and asked him for his 3rd option. He said he could issue me a bank draft for the amount and I could take it over to them myself, I laughed at this, coughed loudly and told him there was nothing I'd rather do while violently ill.

He then directed me to a very fresh off the boat individual who was suppose to issue my draft. She too told me I did not exist and I told her that by now, her branch should be welllllll aware of my existence. 20 minutes later she located me in her thick asian accent and I went on my way to my bank. I then texted Popsicle to tell him I thought he was a real asshole in choosing this bank and that I wanted him to allow me to liquidate my assets and return to my bank of choice. He told me I was being silly and that it would work out eventually. I told him to save it for someone who had patience left.

The cherry on top occurred when I got to my bank and the teller there called over to the asian bank to verify the transfer. They, once again, told her they had no idea who the fuck I was. ( By the way, its a 5 minute drive between banks, and I made a mild scene while I was there) " I WAS THERE FIVE FREAKING MINUTES AGO!! HOW DO THEY NOT KNOW WHO I AM??? IM THE PERSON WHO'S SHIT THEY CAN'T SEEM TO STRAIGHTEN OUT!!" I cried, I was ready to get in my car and drive into the asian bank at this point. While I was handing over my bank draft to the teller I had explained my problems with this bank, she had her shit together and she understood that I just wanted to go home and sleep. She told me she would sort it out and call me personally when it went through. I thanked her dramatically and left to go back home where someone in my condition belonged.

ISSUE 5:

I finally accessed my money online to learn it was there on my last trip to the asian bank. Now, I wanted to test out card number 4. I went to pick up cookies for Platypus an thought I would give it a go. ... DECLINED. INSUFFICIENT FUNDS. Was the message I received from the debit machine. I was pissed, the was was no way my funds could not pay for $6 worth of cookies. No fucking way. I once again charged them to my credit card and went to lunch with Platypus where I ranted for 30 minutes about how I hated the asian bank and was ready to tear them a new asshole. Platypus thought my troubles regarding Popsicle were hilarious because they weren't happening to her.

I went back once again to the asian bank to retrieve an answer as to why they continue to fuck up my life. I was issued yet another card which does not work. Today, I am going to go down to the asian bank and liquidate my assets to go back to my home bank. I've had enough of Popsicle and his shit for brains bank. This blog was my way of psyching myself up for this little adventure as well as reminding myself why I am doing it, because my life is NOT together.