The reason I should really work around more children.

In my ample spare time, I currently volunteer to mentor a 9 year old girl once a week at a local elementary school. She has ADHD and naturally, I am drawn to her. Due to my own plight with this disability, I find it very easy to connect with these children because I understand them, and they understand me. Ironically, these kids get a bad rap from the school system for being out of control and saying outlandish things, all true and probably the reason for my loneliness as a youngster. However, I LOVE these kids to death. Unlike normal children, they do not mean to aggravate the living daylights out of you. Their brains are just wired a little different, and they can't help themselves. So they just say and do silly things which amuses me entirely, unlike normal children who I feel just piss me off because their small and somehow feel they have the right to do so. Wrong. This is why upon any interaction with children I tend to eventually lose my shit and call my sister who ironically, was clearly BORN to interact with kids. Watching her is fascinating to me. She displays a patience with them that I was never afforded in my interactions with her.

An example of my sisters extraordinary gifts was demonstrated on a recent trip to Winnipeg to visit family, part of which includes my small cousin who is approximately 5 or 6 and has a very flat skull. For purposes here I shall refer to him as Flathead. My sister had been off visiting her new boarding school and I was stuck with Flathead all day, an extended period of interaction I was not looking forward to. My expertise is which children between 9-11, 5 year olds do not float my boat. Platypus, thank god, was present this day and was there to help out and suggested we go to the toy store to get Flathead some more Playmobile toys. ( For those unfamiliar with Playmobile, its small, and plastic, and a fucking nightmare. Enough said.)

Upon pursing the isles of toys, I had scouted out some dinosaurs and went off on a tangent to explore that, when I finished I located Platypus and Flathead and their new Playmobile set - A police car. Fuck. I knew my ass would be responsible for putting that shit together and I was not excited. I lack the engineering capabilities of my better half,Mancandy, and was positive I would completely Fuck this up. Upon paying for the toy and getting into the car, Flathead expressed his desire to open his toy and put it together. Platypus seconded this motion, and I felt the need to inform her she was out of her mind.

Platypus: " Come on, just open it for him"

Me: " Mom, it has small parts, and he will lose them, freak out, and there will be a scene."

Platypus: "He won't lose them."

Me: " Mom, he's like 5, trust me, this will end poorly."

Platypus: "Just do it ok?!".

It was at this exact juncture that I knew shit would eventually hit the fan, but I decided to play along with Platypus and her delusional line of thinking.

Me: [while opening the box] " Look here Flathead, Now against my better judgement, Platypus feels this is a good Idea, so I want you to know, that you NEED to look after these parts, because if you lose them you won't be able to put the car together. So, if you drop them, it's your fault, understand?"

Platypus: " that was a bit harsh don't you think?"

Me: " No. I don't frankly, I want it on the record I do not condone this".

Flathead gets his car and we continue our journey to pick up my sister, who I had never been more excited to see in my fucking life. I do not do children. Upon reaching the parking lot of the school, Flathead starts asking a million questions. This, is the SOLE reason I loathe small children. My belief is that they do this, only to be involved in conversation, and not to learn information. So, I popped a mood stabilizer and attempted not to totally lose my shit on the kid.

Flathead: "why are the school busses white?"

Me: " Because Unicorns have wings thats why."

[Flathead looks at me as it he COMPLETELY accepts the answer I just gave him]

Platypus: "wow you're crabby."

Me:" I have a headache and this isn't assisting me. He only asks so you talk to him, not cuz he wants to know."

Platypus:" You know, you really suck with children."

Me: " I know, thats why I'm on the pill."

Now, it is finally time to get my sister. I for one, could not be more fucking stoked to see her. Just as we are sitting in the car, I hear the words I have been waiting to hear...

Flathead: " I lost my wheels."

[I burst out in a hysterical fit of laughter]

Platypus: " What?? You said you would be careful!! I'll come look for it".

[ It is at this point Platypus is sprawled in the back seat of the Jeep looking for the Wheel. I, still laughing, am updating my Facebook status with the current events, and commending myself for being a genius.]

Platypus: " What are you doing? Why don't you help?"

Me: " Frankly mother, you brought this on yourself, and I am getting far too much joy out of watching it unravel."

It is at this point my sister reaches the car. I , elated at her return, inform her of what is happening, while sitting on my proverbial soap box in the front seat, still updating the world as to me genius ways with children. Finally, they find the wheel, and it is affixed to the car. Platypus, giving me a horrible look is displeased. As much as I really do hate to aggravate my mother, she was really being an asshole and needed to learn not to fuck with me when it comes to my expertise on the shortcomings of children.

However, I digress. Back to my 9 year old, who I like to call Macaroni. I had been working with Macaroni for a few months now and we had become quite close. Since I have the emotional maturity of a 10 year old, we were really hitting it off and happened to share many common interests. On this day, Macaroni had asked me if I ever said bad words. Not wanting to be a complete irresponsible asshole, I said yes, but only because I am an adult but I also try to come up with more creative insults and things to say instead. Partly because I'm a lady, but also because my 98th percentile vocabulary allows me to do so at the expense of lesser minds.

Macaroni: " So do you ever say the F word?"

Me: " well, I try not to. It is the trashiest of all the bad words I think, and also I like to take the opportunity to expand my vocabulary".

Macaroni: " So, the other words are ok then?"

Me: " well, no. I try and think of something more creative to say, like " well thats insufficient". See in addition to not lowering myself to my opponents level, I also reveal that I am smarter than them which often makes them feel stupid, so really, I still prove my point".

Macaroni: " Well, thats insufficient".

Me: " exactly!"

[Macaroni then continues to respond to almost everything I say using that phrase. At which point, I am incredibly proud of myself and feel it is time to leave.]

In reviewing these tales, It occurs to me that despite what other carbon based life forms seem to feel, I actually am rather good with children. Macaroni learned a new phrase to substitute for all the inappropriate slang she had learned in her inner city school, and Platypus learned an important lesson about not questioning my methods in child rearing. All in all I would say that It was a very valuable adventure, however my interaction with Platypus solidified my belief that thanks to her, my life is NOT together.