Pulverization 90 X.

Recently, many people in my general vicinity have discovered a video workout program called P90X. The general premise is that if you do the DVD workouts in order, and follow the meal plan, you can sculpt your body into a toned weapon of mass destruction. This guy basically comes into your living room and assaults you in a manner not unlike what prisoners at Gitmo might experience. Shits not a joke, and it's not for pussies. At first, Mancandy had mentioned that he was going to embark on this P90X in lieu of a gym membership over the summer in order to tone up. I listened to it's general concept, but as with most of Mancandys workout habits, I was just glad it wasn't me and that was that. Then, my sibling mentioned to me via a phone call while looking at Universities with Popsicle that she too was going to embark on this crazy series of DVD's and that family friends of ours had already tried it. This particular family friend had the upper body strength of a drinking straw and I had a hard time imagining him in some sort of intense calorie burning situation.

When I asked Popsicle his thoughts on my sibling embarking on this he didn't have much to say. This is also a man who my sibling had lead to believe that Ontario had provincial wide free WiFi earlier in the day when he couldn't understand how she was Facebooking me from the highway. He couldn't comprehend that 3G technology allows this so my sibling offered this option his way. He was terribly excited when he informed me of it stating it was a "neat idea". Then I heard my sibling in the background telling him she lied. I've never heard Popsicle more disappointed. Anyways, My point is that this was not a man from which I was expecting helpful information.

In the days ahead, Mancandy informed me that he was getting his ass royally kicked and was seriously coming to the realization that he was not in as good of shape as he had thought. I could really care less considering my only real physical requirement in mate is that he be able to lift me above his head without huffing and puffing. It symbolizes manlyness. Also, I'm like 98 pounds so if you can't I realize how pathetic you are right from the get go. He had done a few of the workouts and was feeling it. Mancandy already has back pains from his football days, but I had never seen him in such a defeated state. Upon viewing his, for lack of a better word, corpse, a few days later, I came to the realization that this "Tony Horton" (aka. the worlds biggest douchebag) was not here to fuck around. I suddenly became concerned for my sibling and wondered if I should start preparing any sort of memorial arrangements for her once she started her program. I was kind enough to text her and provide her with the information I had gathered from Mancandy's experience, but she seemed un-phased. I had to give her props. My sibling is nothing if not a trooper when it comes to physical exertion. Her trainers at boarding school would frequently run the girls until someone threw up, so I felt she may be slightly prepared for this type of self inflicted physical torture. This was not the case.

A few days later I received a text from my sibling that her and my step-sister had gone out for chocolate cake at midnight and come home and decided to start the workout at 2 am. They started with Plyometrics, which from what I heard, was one of the harder ones and involved a lot of gay jumping around. They managed to complete it, although half-assedly, and with a lot of laughing. Apparently they were both in more pain than they could imagine. The fact that this DVD had reduced my amazon of a sister to a shriveled whimpering nightmare really scared the crap out of me. Additionally, something that can destroy you with even the weakest effort, could not possibly be approved by the FDA. They didn't manage to blow their cookies also was impressive.

In the next few days, my delusional sisters decided to embark on their venture again but this time tried the hardcore yoga version. Apparently, it was not relaxing, or any other words you might associate with yoga. They were both in seriously hurtin' condition and I found it funny that two people with clearly very little mental capacity for exercise, (for real, who works out after cake at 2 am? not the brightest crayons in the box thats who) would continue to do that to their bodies. My next thought was that I would have killed to have seen my step-sibling who had recently lost 60 pounds and was looking fantastic, try and do this previous to her weight loss. THAT, would have been funny.

After all these shenanigans, I had decided it was time for me personally to embark on this clearly insane workout routine. I had figured that my recent ability in the last 6 months to torture myself running and burn 1000 calories at a time, might have prepared me to deal with what I was up against. In short, all the cardio in the world could not have prepared me, or a United States Marine for that matter, for what I was about to do. My first time I decided to start small, and do the 16 minute ab ripper X workout. The general Idea is that you do 300 ab movements in 16 minutes. Previous to this experience, I thought I had a decent set of abdominal's. I was no Marissa Miller, but I thought I was better than most of those who had put on the freshman 15. I'm also a size 2, so it's not like i've got a gut. However, after starting in, I realized that nobody on the planet should be able to do this. I got through it barely with my sibling on the couch telling me to try harder. I wanted to tell her to try harder and get her ass off the fucking couch. Near the end I was sure I might vomit up my protein bar, but luckily I avoided it. This shit was not for sissies. I went for my run then went on about my day as I normally would. It wasn't till the next morning till I realized the true weight of what I had done to my person.

FUCK. That was my first thought when I awoke and realized I lacked the ability to sit up in bed on a ten degree angle. I was HURTIN. Actually, DYING might be a better description of what my vessel was experiencing. I got up, got a hot water bottle and went back to bed. Then went to see my tutor and realized It hurt to sit upright. Generally, not being able to make the motions one would require to void their bladder is a sign that you have truly an rightfully fucked up your life. I was 20 years old and was getting a glimpse into my future at 80 and was n0t enjoying my little time traveling journey.

Later in the day, I made what I think to date might be the worst possible decision I have made in my life to date. I embarked on the 90 minute yoga workout. WORST IDEA EVER. Flashed through my mind on many occasions. But I figured if the rest of these assholes could do it, I should be able to do it. Between each pose, Tony "the fuckface" Horton, informed me that I had the option to do a pushup in plank position, and that he was going to go ahead and do one. I decided to go ahead and give him the finger from plank position. I kept making faces and making a giggle/whimper sound that would have been funnier if I wasn't willingly trying to commit semi-assisted suicide from the warrior pose. When It finished, I opted to lie on my bed and not move. When it came time for Mancandy to come over, I decided to put on more appropriate pants. I then learned, I no longer possessed the muscle strength to do this simple task and had a new respect for those who lost limbs in Nam'. Once he arrived he took pleasure in mocking my physical discomfort and we proceeded to lie around for 4 hours whining and whimpering at each other. We're so romantic sometimes.

The next day, I experienced some of the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. My back, thighs,obliques,hips,legs,and ass hurt like nothing I had ever imagined. I then proceeded to text Platypus to ask her if I could have the half a perkaset in my purse and was really not interested in her response, it was more of a "heads up" than a ,"may i" text message. I was ready to jump infront of a bus. I was not stoked for my circumstances but was fairly sure my shit would be tighter than a hippos ass when it was done causing me pain. And it was brutal. Later that day, I had my first round of laser hair removal which for those not familiar, is a process where they shoot your armpits and bikini line with a laser repeatedly for 30 minutes. THAT hurt less.

Needless to say, P90X is an excellent way to kill yourself and I do not recommend it if you have any sort of job that requires movement or the use of your back. My P90X stint had ended as quickly as it had began. I was physically and mentally exhausted and was done with this bullshit. This workout is for androids and aliens and shouldn't be attempted by carbon based life. As long as I continue to do recklessly dumb things in order to bond with my kinfolk, my life is NOT together.

I'm on a Boat!!

Due to the recently warm weather, Mancandy and I have taken to visiting various lakes on the weekend with friends. This weekend, we decided to venture out with one of Mancandy's friends, Chuck, who happens to own a boat. I like boats, and I love anyone who lets me call them Chuck. I think they are both an excellent source of entertainment. However, I am most fascinated by how Boats manage to work. I understand the basic idea of how boats float, I'm not completely deficient, but I still am fascinated by the fact that they can endure so much water like abuse and not throw everyone swiftly from the vessel. But, this is not a lecture on boats, I'm not nautically inclined enough for that, this is about the various chaos that ensued.

Upon arrival at the dock, the menfolk managed to get the boat in the water and tie it up while various subsets of our little group ran back and forth from cars due to general lack of organization. I did notice the woman next to us with her boating posse seemed to be observing us as one would animals in the wild. Any group with me as a part of it is undoubtedly a hot damn mess and I take pride in that. While waiting on the boat, we watched other boaters fail epically at the maneuvering of their water-crafts. Some people are really just mentally retarded and should be put in a home, but for some reason their family member's feel it is appropriate to let them lose in the wild. One group of such miscreants seemed intent on proving my point. While in their boat they started trying to move about the small area and see how close they could get to hitting every other boat in our vicinity. Seriously, if you can't drive it, don't try. These mentally challenged individuals came close to striking out boat and one of our group asked them if this was their first time... of course it was. "Apparently!" was my shockingly dry, and very much British response, something I may not have said in different company. Sometimes, when I'm with Mancandy, I don't filter myself in the same manner I normally would around strangers. Mostly because I'm fairly certain that if they had gotten all up in my grill about it, Mancandy would have drowned both them and their boat for the hell of it, and with relative ease. They newbies explained that their captain was elsewhere and that they hoped he would soon return. I then explained to the group that if we planned on making our start as pirates that this was clearly the boat for us to seize as it contained limited brain power. Our victims laughed it off but I was definitely game for this plan if I could have gotten everyone else on board. Once the other members of the group came back with the tube strapped to their backs, we made a few Jesus jokes and were on our way. None of us seem capable of embarking on anything without mocking Jesus, it's simply unheard of.

Finally, everyone got their shit together and we started out to the middle of the lake. The first thing I noticed is that the boat was staying shockingly close to the water than it had in previous adventures. This most likely had a lot to do with the fact that Mancandy had brought along his partner in crime, who could only be described as fucking gigantic. Both of them had parked themselves on the back of the boat and I'm sure together were a combined total of 500+ pounds. I decided that this extra weight on the boat was awesome as it enhanced my personal boating pleasure since as someone who weighs about 98 pounds soaking wet, I often get bounced about and it takes its tole on my person. I'm not built for activities in which your person is tossed about violently as I have the upper body strength of a kitten and happen to be extremely top heavy.

The first order of business for the men was to go out on the tubes and prove their manlyness by hanging on as whoever was driving attempted to kill them. Men truly are fascinating aren't they?

First up was Mancandy and the Giant. Watching the Giant squeeze his massive self into a lifejacket has got to be one of the most amusing thing I've ever seen. I love watching people of large stature try and get into things that just do not fit them. It thrills me in a way I can only express with a squeal of joy. Once in the water, all that was heard from the boat was various profanity about the testicle shrinkage that was occurring. As a girl, I'm glad I don't need to experience the apparently painful shrinking of my sexual organs. But I do find it amazing that the male body has so many escape routes for its fun bits, such as retracting into the body. I have no idea why these things amaze me, and I should really seek help. Anyways, once the men were in the water and we were in motion it was about 8 seconds before the started trying to sabotage each other. Again, aren't men fascinating?, for about an hour all the men took turns in the water and driving in a manic fashion in an attempt to kill one another. Once that was done there began chat of starting to fish and then locating ice cream. We proceeded to fuck around for a while and then the boats owner, Chuck, decided we needed to ditch the tubes in order to lighten to boat and quickly make it to the location of the ice cream. I failed to see why we couldn't just deflate them, but Chuck was dead set on keeping them inflated. I've learned that when it comes to interacting with Chuck specifically,that I stop myself from interjecting my brilliance into the situation because I like seeing how he goes about shit. The men decided that we could drive to the other end of the lake and ditch the tubes on the rocks and then come back for them later.

Upon arriving at the rocks, a shit show of dumb ideas seemed to occur. Chuck noticed that we were in a shallow area with a lot of weeds and began to show concern for getting us caught, so we opted to shut off the engine and let the boat chill while the men hid the tubes. Dumbass moment number one occurred when Chuck leapt off to survey the roughly 2 meter rocky slope where we were planning to ditch this shit. He explored the rocks and noticed a bottle of minnows that had been left behind by a fisherman. At this point, I thought it may have been clever to save them for fishing later but I didn't dare express this thought to the group. I've found when dealing with Mancandy,Chuck,and the Giant, that it is often better to just let things occur for entertainments sake. So, I did just that. Chuck opened the vile and proceeded to dump the fish onto the rocks below him. Not a second after he did this, he looks at the empty bottle in his hand and says " hey, these would be really great bait for the pike!". The group proceeded into a fit of laugher and the men then scrambled to pick the dead fish out of the rocks and return them to their previous surroundings. Watching a bunch of guys collect dead fish really was entertaining. I knew they might think twice about rescuing my ass if I was to get tossed, but they DEFS needed to rescue the fish with haste. The men managed to get the tubes off the boat and Chuck hid them both behind some shrubs. Then, he came out from behind a bush with some leaves and announced that he was trying to provide adequate camouflage for the NEON orange tube. A meek whisper of the word "camouflage" while holding two small branches was made while he fluttered back and forth. I love when people who are dead set on things whisper there intentions. It serves the purpose of being mildly sexual and humorous al at once. What a fucking pointless nightmare that would turn out to be. After we had pillaged for some bait and "sufficiently" hid our treasures, we began to push the boat away and idled out for about a quarter mile and observed the handy work. It was at this point Chuck noticed some people walking in the general direction of our tubes towards what he had pointed out earlier was "excellent fishing". Apparently, it hadn't occurred to him that other lake-goers may be aware of this and want to partake. Cuz who the fuck would want to fish on a nice day? nonsense. Upon observing these fishermen, The Giant pointed out that they may not even see the NEON ORANGE OBJECT up ahead of them. They noticed. And so did the next people and their dog who followed. Chuck, fearing for the life and safety of his tubes, voted we go back and retrieve them and deflate them. So, back we went. The people Mancandy knows are recidiculous, and thats why I love them. Chuck had mentioned we should go try and kidnap the dog in broad daylight while we were there. I was willing to let him do it to, again, just to see him try.

Then we set sail to the other end of the lake to go get ice cream. More Jesus jokes, and then more dock nonsense. The particular dock we were attempting to use had a large sign that implied it was out of order or some sort of dock equivalent meant to tell folks that it was out of commission or some other bullshit none of us cared about. Thats what I love about being a care free 20 something, nothing seems to apply to me. We sent the Giant out ahead and felt that if the dock didn't crash under his weight that the rest of us were certainly safe. As we reached the end and proceeded to scale the fencing, a gentleman in the water inquired as to why we didn't just walk in the water. I informed him that it was because we were cooler than that, in a tone that would have sounded a lot more like "go fuck yourself" had I not had my purse in my mouth. I was on a fucking mission, and he was ruining any feeling of badassness I had mustered on my dock journey. What a douchebag. We then made our way to ice cream where I had never been more steeped to be eating and ice cream cone. I felt 12, and I was loving it. We then all gathered around a table while Chuck consumed his hot-dog. I pointed out that it was rather phallic which pretty much just made him more excited. If I had given a crap about Chucks sexuality, this would have alarmed me. At one point he informed us that we needed to edit our language as it was a family environment. I responded with "thanks mom". I felt as long as I said my profanities quietly I was allowed. I was on a fucking vacation of sorts and I planned to enjoy myself. The group soon bi-passed his warning and then the Giant proceeded with "THANKS MOM, NICE TITS", and Chuck proceeded to be embarrassed to be involved with us and thus decided to order us to be on our way. I love it when people feel that those their with are not appropriate for public. Since I often tend to be the reason for the embarasment, I've also gotten use to being ejected from my surroundings. We then headed back to the dock and I noticed a sign with a Canadian government logo on it and some nonsense about conservation. I then informed Mancandy that I wanted to find out what it was they were trying to conserve and go create havoc. Again, why he dates me, I have no idea. The sad thing is he wanted to so the same, which is why I date him. More wall scaling and death defying dock experiences and then we were all back on the boat. The sky was giving us a notable " I'm gonna F up your time" impression, so we decided to head back to our neck of the lake. On the way back, Mancandy and the Giant proceeded to make Herbal Essences commercials by tossing their hair in the wind and making sexualized faces at each other. These two feed off each other a lot like a pile up collision, one little bit of chaos causes a whole string of craziness until it loses velocity and decides to break. It's horribly exciting to watch and I was laser focused on absorbing the insanity.

As we were flying through the water at an alarming rate, Chuck spotted a bunch of ducks and a pelican and decided to ignore common sense and chase them down like he was on a fucking mission. I personally, have never had more fun disrupting wildlife. Once we started to get out of control and the storm started to gain, someone's survival instincts told us it was time to stop and head for safer water. We headed to a weeded area and came up against a bit of a road block and rather annoying family who insisted on waving at us like they had been on an episode of LOST and we were their first look at civilization in some time. Chuck once again instructed us to look friendly and wave back, meanwhile, Mancandy proceeded to pelvic thrust at every passing boat. Thats how we roll... Then, Chuck in his awesomeness, decided it was an excellent time to go waterskiing after several beers. Nobody else shared his passion but the Giant, arguably our most violent driver, decided to captain the ship while Chuck went about his nonsense. " See, this is normally the point where I would be the voice of reason and instruct us not to let him go along with this. But, just for the hell of it, I'm going to support this bullshit", I announced to the group. I figured as long as we were all in agreeance that this was arguably very stupid, we would cover our bases dumb luck wise. We took bets on how many trys it was going to take our comrade to get his ass out of the water and went on our way. Soon, we were on failed attempt 4 and really enjoying watching the venture of Chucks skiing go slightly uphill. Captain Giant agreed this was getting dumb but that It was better with Chuckles to just let him have his way when it came to this sort of shit. After about 20 minutes of this, Chuck gave up and we all headed through the insane rough water to a sunny patch where we decided to wait out the storm and do some fishing.

Chuck was the only one of us with any discernible fishing skills. So for the most part, we were a bit of a hot mess. Mancandy felt the need to narrate everyones casts with the enthusiasm of one of the virgins from the fishing channel. All the guys managed to reel in a fish but none of us on the boat had our shit together enough to actually get a fish into the boat. The first one we had any really shot at was caught by Mancandy. The Giant had been going at it for a good ten minutes and hadn't had any real success, and the other guy who was with us,whom I will refer to as that because I have no clever name for him, managed to swing incorrectly and just barely catch the Giants nipple. Then, upon receiving the reel from Giant, Mancandy, on his second ever fishing experience, caught something. This sort of beginners luck bullshit is typical of Mancandy. He seems to excel at any sort of sport related endeavor, and as he puts it, is " built for success". The man also feels he stirs for success but it really resembles the stirring stills of epileptic 9 year olds. Unfortunately, our group was about as well organized and a blind swim team. We had all of the passion and none of the mental ability to coordinate ourselves, Much like a deaf singing group. Then finally, with the last of the rescued minnows, Chuck managed to catch a fish and get it into the boat. As a girl, I felt the need to scream violently at it was flipping about. Chuck wrestled it into submission and made sure we all had a chance to see it. He informed us it was a pike, however I felt it looked more like a platypus if it were a fish and termed it Platyfish. Which spell check is not correcting me on and could for all I know, very well be a real fish. So I am now even more impressed with my naming abilities. Once the fish had been sent back to its normal high mercury surroundings, we all agreed that we had caught our fish it was time to go the fuck home. Heading back in is my favorite part of the trip, not because I am anxious to get back, unless of course I have to pee so bad I fear for my safety, but because between the clouds and the rough waters I feel like we are in some sort of National Geographic pirates special. Like storm chasers. I made note to learn more about storm clouds before our next adventure so that I could wow all my friends with my badass storm knowledge, and possibly procure myself a badass storm chaser outfit. These are the things I think about on a daily basis, and sometimes It makes me wonder why people speak to me at all.

We finally got back to dry land and the men proceeded to get the boat out of the water. A task that for some reason despite not owning a boat, Mancandy was freakishly good at. Overall, our trip had been a success. Despite our camouflage fail, and our general lack of fishing skills. However, as long as I continue to have nonsense times like these, My life is NOT together. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Mancandy Vs. Aircraft

Recently, Mancandy and I decided we needed a vacation. By we I mean, I decided Mancandy needed a holiday and told him I was going with him to ensure he got on the plane and did not make a B-line back to work. Platypus found this venture particularly hilarious since I have a generally well documented tendency to completely lose my shit while traveling. I have zero patience for any situation where I am not in complete control. It's a character flaw, I'm working on it. I assured her that it would be highly unlikely my travel tendencies would derail my relationship with Mancandy, but she was skeptical. Platypus likes to crush my dreams like this by informing me frequently that I am a complete pain in the ass and that I will be hard-pressed to find a man to tolerate my nonsense. My theory is that I just need to find a man with the same high end travel needs as myself... enter Mancandy. But this is not a lecture on how we are perfect together, this story is about the adventure that was our trip to Vancouver.

I knew that our trip was going to be excellent, simply because it involved both Mancandy and myself. We're excellent, and we tend to radiate that into our current surroundings. But, the second I knew this trip was going to be awesome was when Mancandy and I entered the aircraft and got into our seats. Mancandy is freakishly tall and requested that we be in an exit row, I had gotten distracted talking to my pregnant girlfriend and did not actually book the seats till 10pm, so I had guessed at which row on the wing was the exit row - I was WRONG. The second his massive vessel got into its seat I could see we had a problem, however, I proceeded to laugh anyways just because watching something that big crammed into that tiny seat was truly hilarious. I decided to text Platypus about our predicament since I knew she too would find it humorous. She agreed. Then, Mancandy did something that is very typical of him, he pointed out the asian woman standing in the row of asians in the isle... the only way I can express what I was seeing is literally THE most exuberant person to ever enter an aircraft. The smile on her face looked like something that could easily cause small children to have nightmares. I stopped mid text and proceeded to laugh hysterically. I was convulsing in my window seat and desperately concerned about how inappropriate it would be to take a picture .... This is the text message I then sent to Platypus ... " We're on aircraft. Mancandy doesn't fit. It's pretty entertaining. Also, there's and uncomfortable abundance of Asians". Platypus was with my Nana, who being a world war 2 survivor, does not enjoy asians, and apparently agreed with my concern about that number of asian airplane goers. Seriously, if you did not know the planes destination, you'd swear it was somewhere over the pacific. Mancandy eventually calmed me down and we proceeded to play scrabble for the duration of the flight. Upon decent, this asian baby started to scream violently.I LOATHE the sound of babies screaming. It causes an extreme anxiety in my person and I imagine its the same violentesque feeling that someone like Charles Manson might experience. Nothing on earth aggravates me more. I looked over to see this child in the most distressed position I had ever witnessed a youngster in. It was as if he just realized his mother was asian and there was a possibility he would grow up to eat pussycat. He was displeased. Frankly, I would be too if Platypus and Popsicle were of asian decent.

Upon our arrival in Vancouver, I was deeply stoked for Popsicle and Mancandy to meet. Mostly because I knew exactly what was going to happen, Popsicle would go to shake his hand and look up and down and the Sasquatch I had brought with me. I love watch people interact with Mancandy, mostly since it seems like they are trying the whole time to decide if he's going to kill them or not. A guy recently bumped into him in a crowded bar and was so terrified that Mancandy was some sort of thug with a gun ready to pop a cap in his ass. I laughed. Seriously, dating someone that massive is like a free pass to do whatever the hell you want with almost no consequences. Its like having personal security. Anyways, back to Popsicle and Mancandy.

Popsicle has driven his rented Mini Cooper to come get us since his car had an unfortunate run in with an immigrant a few weeks prior. To say Popsicle was enjoying his Mini was an understatement. He expressed a vigor for it similar to the one with which Angelina Jolie feels towards foreign children. Upon getting in the car, Popsicle informed us it was alot like driving a really expensive go kart. Why anyone would want to do that on a constant basis, is beyond me but seemed to enthrall the crap out of my father, so I let it slide. Upon reaching the downtown core, Popsicle explained to Mancandy and I that there was a button in the car he had not figured out how to work yet. Popsicle has these moments where he is impossibly straight, and absolutely NEEDS to figure out every single inch of the car. So, naturally, the best time for such endeavors is during traffic.

Mancandy and Popsicle proceeded to fiddle with buttons and switches until Mancandy stumbled upon these pen size lights on the roof that would change to rainbow colors when the button was pressed. Yes, its true, the Mini Cooper gets gayer. Not only did these mini lights not have a SINGLE useful function, other than providing our go-kart with ambient lighting should we decide to rave, but they AMAZED Popsicle. He proceeded to then drive while fiddling with the lights and half assedly looking at the road. Not only was he distracted, but he was driving in a location with an abundance of immigrant drivers....not a sick combo as my sibling would say. Eventually, I convinced him I was in fear for my safety and that I was not ready to die in a car with rave equipped lighting. This was not the 70's. When we finally arrived home and got settled, Despite my fear that Mancandy would not fit into the elevator, I felt all the recent excitement called for me to promptly pass out. I needed sleep if I was going to psyc myself up for what I'm sure would be an intense trip.

Upon awaking the next morning, I decided to take a gander out the window at my surroundings. Much to my despair, ( i hate big men with little dogs) I saw a large man walking a douchey little white lap dog down the street. I thought nothing of it till the man reached the cross walk and started to cross, when his dog, clearly not the sharpest ball in the bunch, continued to walk at his parallel. How did this imbecile handle it?? He simply picked up his dust rag of a dog and set it on the crosswalk in a more pleasing trajectory. I then proceeded to pee my pants laughing which woke Mancandy, and I explained to him the insanity I had witnessed. Only with Mancandy could I manage to laugh so hard at 8 in the morning.....I could tell things were going to be interesting. Since, as long as people who need to correct their dogs trajectory exist, my life is NOT together.

Why Pregnancy is a BAD idea.

Last Night, I found myself stumbling upon one of my favorite guilty pleasure shows, "I didn't know I was Pregnant" On TLC. I really don't know what possesses me to watch this show seeing as every time I do I wind up in the fetal position clutching my vagina in fear. As a woman, I have been drilled into thinking that pregnancy is the ultimate STD and until I am married or 30, it should be my worst fear. I fully participated in this part of my gender however, In watching this show I have realized my new worst fear.... my uterus could fall out. Although it is a very tiny possibility this could happen, and it tends to require trauma, I am not officially terrified of this situation. Never have I been more in fear for my "cash and prizes".

In essence, what was happening is some woman on a boat was freaking out and reached between her legs, felt something rubbery and assumed it was her uterus. I laughed originally at this delusion, but then some doctor came on the screen and informed me that it was in-fact, a very real fear. This caused me to lose my shit and bring forth a series of gaging noises from my person that I have never heard before, and hope to never hear again. Upon TLC providing me with this information, I felt an obligation to inform damn near every woman in my contact list of this terrifying realization. I then text messaged Platypus and asked her if she was aware of this. She said yes but that it was a very unlikely possibility, and that it could be worse and I could be pregnant. I then told her that she could cancel that and that this uterus exiting my person situation was officially my new fear as a woman. At least if I have a kid, my uterus has options and could stay in its current surroundings. In informed Platypus she has no idea how madly I did not want a Uterus right then. At this she told me she sensed a blog. Blogging was the furthest thing from my mind at this point when I was clenching myself in fear rolling around on the bed like a spastic zebra.

In my feverish texting, I managed to message Princess who in addition to being semi-mentally insane, loves babies and feels it is her sole purpose in life to procreate. I have bigger dreams, but I allow her to go on with her delusions because I suppose someone has to have kids and it isn't going to be me. She told me she was aware this could happen, but it was also highly unlikely and was rare in childbirth. Princesses knowledge on everything and anything pertaining to childbirth fascinates/repulses me. She then informed me that I wouldn't need to worry since I wasn't having kid. I then told her that if Mancandy and I were to reproduce, it would most likely kill me seeing as he is mammoth and in meeting his family I can only assume any offspring with half his DNA would also be distastefully large for my vag to handle. This also terrified me, so I tried desperately to put it out of my mind.

Amidst my emotional chaos, I texted Mancandy, who was sick, to inform him that I was terrified for my vaginas safety in watching this program and that I had emotional wounds I required him to kiss better. At this, Mancandy said just about the most unhelpful thing anyone could have presented me with at this point in time, " You know, we'd make damn hot kids"... I was completely not expecting this but was also pissed that he would even suggest harming me with his freakishly large offspring at this juncture. " Yes. We'd make hot kids. You're missing the point. We're not reproducing". I relayed this comment to Princess who was pissed at me only because to her it implied Mancandy was o.k with the venture of us having children in the future, which was kind of like crack to her. She has been forcing babies down her boyfriends throat almost since day one, and he has confided in me that like any other 20-something male, that he was defs not on board. She is however, convinced she can change him. Much like getting your partner to chew with their mouth closed, Yet another reason she's right round the bend.

The fact this aggravated her at all really made me laugh because in no way did I understand his statement as " I want to have babies with you immediately". Any moron who took one look at us could see we would create genetically superior offspring. It was the fact that she seemed jealous that I had inadvertently discussed babies with him without him vomiting. Not my intention, but with Princess the rides come off the track every time.

When I finally got her to chill out, She did agree with me that It was a terrifying situation and that Mancandy's offspring would more than likely kill me or rip me in two. I then texted my BFF Bliss, ( I call her that because I am deeply in love with the fact that her shit is always together and she is always following my train of thought) and informed her of the grave dangers of having a uterus in much the same way you would if you were in a PSA. She laughed at me and told me that Mancandy's children would probably destroy me on their way out, although be incredibly aesthetically gifted. I loved her for remaining cool about the situation and not flipping the fuck out like Princess. I proceeded to have her calm me down and then switched the channel to something less insulting to my uterus. After that, I sent a message to my Pregnant friend on Facebook to tell her that I had a newfound respect for her and her situation as well as a desire to hi-five her uterus despite how creepy that may have been. She agreed it was creepy and I didn't care. I then noticed my stepsister had set her status to something regarding she was having a bad day. I commented it could be worse, your uterus could fall out. She agreed and I'm sure proceeded to lighten up on whatever shit-storm was raining down on her day.

I get that all this anxiety over a uterus may be insane, but I want to inform you all in blogisphere that it is a very real fear and to be on the lookout for falling vag. Because as long as I am a woman with female reproductive organs, I see my life is NOT together.

Dealing with Guys Night.

CASE STUDY 2: “Guys night and You!”

On one of several occasions now my friend has informed me that her man, if you can call him that, has gone out to boys night and one of the guys has brought his female friend along. She has mentioned her distaste for this friend as well as her boyfriends supposed distaste for her, and her concerns about the situation. I have had zero experience with this situation mostly because as a sane woman, I often was the girl who got to go out on boys night much to the she-grin of my friends girlfriends.

When Princess initially approached me with this problem I failed to see quite where her upset was coming from. As she told it, once her toad,(which will not turn into a handsome Prince by the way) entered the vehicle with his friends and he realized this girl was in the car. Having half a brain, he neglected to call her immediately and provide her with this information, since he knew Princess would lose her shit. She then told me that he didn’t tell her till after because he knew she would get mad. I then asked her if she would be mad and this was her response – “ well, ya, I mean if they could bring girls I wanted him to bring me. I mean why wouldn’t I want to go too?”. Much like many of you, I laughed. But, being me, I had to drag this craziness out only since Princess is so encourage-able it’s funny. “ So what dude, You wanted to have him stop the car and tell his friends ‘ hey if she’s coming I want Princess to come too! Let’s go pick her up’?” I would like to state I was being ridiculous but no, Princess took the bait. “ Well ya!” … “Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha” FUCK. First of all, picture any man you know stopping a car full of his male buddies on their way to guys night out, and telling them to go get their girlfriend. If you haven’t peed yourself or at least giggled at that statement, you’re fucking crazy, or Princess. MEN DON’T DO THAT. I tried then to explain to Princess that the guy who brought this girl sees her as a friend and more than likely just felt she’d be cool company. Princess rejected that conclusion thinking it was insane on the face of it. Then she proceeded to freak out at me like I was telling her to drown a small child.

Then, She did something a lot of my female friends have been doing lately that makes me bat-shit fucking inane, she compared him to Mancandy. I LOATHE when my friends do this because Mancandy has a brain and doesn’t do all the stupid things their male counterparts do. Also, we happen to trust each other and lack a lot of the dysfunction of other twenty something couples. She then says, “ well what if Mancandy went out and they brought some other girl? Wouldn’t you be upset?” … “ um…no? its his night he can do what he wants. And I think I know what girl would end up going and none of them can stand her and he often relays his aggravation to me via text which is pretty funny.”… “ WELL WHAT IF HE DID?” I was really starting to get irate with her at this juncture, but decided to be the adult. “ Look dipshit, what you’re asking me is like asking me to in vision being flat chested. I literally CANNOT conceive of what you are saying to me. You’re assuming I give a fuck who comes to his guys night. He could invite the pope for all I care!...Actually that could be cool and I’d wana see that shit, but aside from that I don’t see an issue”.

Princess was really not hopping on board and it was starting to make me laugh. When I laugh at her in these situations, her voice becomes high pitched and whiney and makes you want to smack her with the broad end of a beaver. I’m a Canadian, we beat each other with livestock. It happens. Anyways, I decided to push further with my insane query’s, “So what, you think she’s going to hit on the toad?”… “ well, ya”… “ HAHAHA! Dude TRUST ME, as someone else with female genitals, nobody wants to sleep with the toad. I’ve seen him, and I’ve seen his friends. I’d hit on them and every other man at the bar before I hit on the toad”. Princess hates it when I suggest her sexual partner is unattractive. Its cruel but it’s true. Even he knows he’s ugly. Once when I was on the phone with her and she informed me they were getting ready to go out I heard him say in the background “ Hey! I don’t look half ugly!”….I almost peed my pants. I’m sorry, but if you are seeing someone and they don’t even find themselves attractive, you’re in trouble. And in this situation, have no need to worry about most likely homely looking girls hitting on your toad.

But regardless, this was the root of her concern. I then tried to explain to her that if she kept saying insane shit like that to him, he would most certainly consider leaving her. This sent her even more into a state of chaos. I eventually convinced her to cam the fuck down but recently she texted me again telling me that he had again gone out, bought drugs, and this girl had attended. Frankly, if I had this guys life I’d want to alter my state of mind too, but this was lost on Princess. Anyways, after chilling out and getting mad she forgot she was mad. I think at this point she was starting to see that you can put as much makeup on a pig as you want, its still a pig. She could yell at toad about his behavior over and over, but he wouldn’t change. I was semi proud. And considering this is a couple who fights weekly, this was a shock to me and all other bystanders of this relationship. My theory is that toad gave her a special brownie to get her to chill, but I wouldn’t dare voice these concerns. Princess is fully capable of putting me in a full nelson and killing me. Having people like this around is the reason my life is NOT together.

My Thoughts on Relationships.

Recently, I have had many of the individuals in my life informing me of their various relationship woes. I have been finding it oddly amusing only because ever since Mancandy entered the picture and I have been in a blissfully well organized relationship, and I feel I am now some sort of expert on happiness. Much to the she-grin of my peers, who often know me to be in the most dysfunctional relationship of the group and at life in general. My surroundings tend to reject me at inopportune times. Its not my strength. I am not going to sit here and defend that statement since I will be the first to admit that my skills at all interpersonal relationships are sub par, especially in any sort of romantic pairing. I will admit I have made my many mistakes in my 7ish years in the dating world, But I’d like to think that I learn pretty well from my mistakes. This is partly because due to my lack of understanding about romantic relationships as a child. I often feel I tend to do things in relationships like you would in a scientific experiment, - I do what I do to see what will happen. I use it as a learning opportunity. In doing so, I have gathered some vital information on relationships I feel obligated to share. I wish to outline for you all my thoughts and feelings on relationships, engagement, marriage, and possibly divorce. However, Much like with Law & Order, and as is typical of my blog, the names have been changed to protect the guilty parties. J

REATIONSHIPS.

As many people who know me well are aware, I think the whole boyfriend-girlfriend situation is overrated. Before you all revolt in a fit of rage about this theory, hear me out. If you have been in a relationship at all, you should recognize that there is a pattern that emerges when you start seeing someone new. First, It’s all rainbows and butterflies and sunshine. You are under the mass delusion that this person is perfect, and you’re wrong. Their just hiding their idiosyncrasies from you long enough to get in your pants and feel out the sexual component of the relationship before they let you know how weird and messed up they really are. But in the meantime, you are happy and free to lie to them in regards to how you really feel about things. (At least that’s what I hear since I lack a mental filter and have the desire to say whatever I think anyways) Initially, you trust the other person and think they’re fan-fucking-tastic. (By the way, this is how relationships are supposed to be all the time.)

You really should trust the other person. If you have a vagina, this is the point where you start thinking “hey, I’d like to tie this guy down like a tarp so he can’t get away”. If you have a penis, this thought does not enter your skull, you’re more than likely picturing her naked. Men, I commend you for you simplicity and choose to embrace it.

Then, shit hits the fan. It is at this point that I feel a lot of women make a huge and very unforgivable mistake. You want to have “the talk”. (When I started dating Mancandy, I informed him of my distaste for the talk and that It would not be occurring in the near future. I have realized picking a boyfriend is a lot like buying new car- you shouldn’t commit to anything before you do research and take it for a thorough test drive. I like to know what it is I’m getting into, and told him if he insists on having it, he would need to wait a minimum of 6 months. He agreed and it’s probably the reason he’s still around. Never date a man who wants to tie you down. Trust me, it’s a horrible sign that he’s a fatty or a cyborg and I have dated both.)

The talk is the quickest way to take your relationship from happy to horrible at the speed of light. You have gone from expecting nothing but happiness, affection and sex from each other, to crazy insane demands like driving the other to work everyday and requiring them to meet all your friends and be nice to them. Then expecting them to bring you things when you’re sick and walk your dog if you’re out of town. This is WRONG.

Expectations ruin relationships. They’re like a pregnancy scare, they fuck up everything for the foreseeable future. I have the utmost faith in this statement, and wish to demonstrate why assuming that because a man is your “boyfriend”, he will do anything you ask regardless of what his plans or thoughts happen to be because he “loves” you is fucking insane. And if you are reading this now and agreeing with this statement, don’t go picking out his and hers towels because you are going to die alone.

In my time since puberty, I have come to realize that men do not feel this way. The crap that they feed you in chick flicks and Cinderella stories is complete and utter bullshit. It is not reality. Men don’t want to treat you like a princess, because they don’t feel they need to. Frankly, if you’re acting like a princess, being demanding and silly and insane, and thinking men find it cute, you deserve to be imprisoned or shot because you are out of your fucking tree. I realize that yes, in my youth I made these mistakes like many of you, the difference is I got wise to it a hell of a lot quicker. Women really need to stop more often and listen to themselves. They need to think, “ is what I’m saying a little crazy? If a friend told me this about her relationship, would I think to myself, hey that’s a little insane?”. The last one is tricky, but trust me, It will be your saving grace. Often when my girlfriends tell me the stupid insane things that they are demanding of their significant others, rather than try and reason with them, I stop. Wait 10 minutes, and then tell them basically the exact same thing they just told me in different words. 8-10 times, they tell me I’m being silly. I then stop and inform them their fucking insane and need to listen to their own advice. Women seem to lack the ability to put themselves in their man’s shoes. I have 90% male friends, so I truly grasp this concept and have found it abundantly useful. To further demonstrate my point, I have constructed this case study so you can all see where I get these crazy ideas.

CASE STUDY 1: “Insane Expectations”

I have one girlfriend who has been dating a guy for about a year now. They see each other pretty much every day and he is responsible for driving her home from school everyday because apparently, his work is someplace in the vicinity and this constitutes and an opportunity for them to spend even more time together. Because, god knows, spending abundant and necessary amounts of time around someone doesn’t make you want to kill them with a sharp object. Think of family gatherings during the holidays, you love these people but after all day with them you want them to burn. There you go, we’re on the same page.

Initially when she informed me of this arrangement, I kept my thoughts to myself. Something I rarely do but had the good sense to at this time. However, I knew it would eventually not end well and at some point I would end up getting dragged into it. My initial thought was, “hmm… if I insisted Mancandy drop by every time he went to the gym, just because it was in the same general vicinity as my condo, do I think he may eventually grow to despise me?” Dear Moron, The correct answer is yes. Although sure, like once every 2 months as a surprise if he wasn’t too tired, sure, that’d be cute, but other than that It’s nuts. I mean think about it, If you had just worked all day and wanted to go home and chill out, would you want to drive around your significant other? Every day? Without say, the ability to change plans and go for a drink with your friends because, THEY need you?. No. You’re wrong. And if you think that’s what you want, you’re lying to yourself. My general rule is, If you rationally wouldn’t want to do it for him, don’t expect him to want to do it for you. Trust me, you’ll be happier and so will he. I should know, my relationship is working pretty well ;) at least according to Platypus.

This point could not be proven more true than when my girlfriend called me semi-hysterical and asked me if I could pick her up from school. When I inquired as to why, she said that her boyfriend wouldn’t do it and that she needed to go home and couldn’t take the bus because it was allergy season. I too have wintertime allergies and understood the severity of that request. It feels like you’re foggy and high and want it to end but it just won’t. It’s not fun times. Personally, I would have just taken the bus or called a cab, but much like with Taste of Asia, I had learned it was a lot easier to go along with her than fight the irrational. I had nothing better to do so I decided to go pick her up. Upon her arrival in my vehicle, I was informed that her boyfriend was an asshole and that she wanted to smack him. Then, I heard quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever heard come out of this particular friends mouth. “Well, I asked him to pick me up but he said he can’t because he wants to go for dinner with his Dad after their done work and doesn’t want to drive all the way home practically to drop me off, then back here, then back down south for dinner. But he said he would and I’m just really hurt that he won’t do it.”…I paused and was hugely confused by this whole thing, but found it utterly amusing so I let her continue, “He promised he would because I have a lot of books from school and I don’t want to carry them on the bus”…(This friend of mine is extremely athletic, I think she could take a rhino and I had no doubts about her ability to carry large books.) At this point, I saw exactly where she had gone wrong and couldn’t contain my excitement in pointing it out. “Fact. Always have a backup plan you are willing to live with”, I informed her, “ Men, for the most part never do what they say they are going to do. They usually only agree so you stop whining about it. Expecting that at all is completely insane and you should get rid of that idea right now. And before you tell me he’s an exception, he’s not. I know he has pulled this sort of shit before”. At this point she was kind of on the same page, but still stupidly wanted to believe that her boyfriend felt she was the center of his universe. I have told her several times that this is not true but she often does not seem to follow my train of sanity.

I love her to death, but she craves drama and loves any possible chance she can get to piss him off. She follows a gay pattern of fighting with him, calling me crying, and then texts me the next day and says he treated her like a princess for the rest of the day. It’s a lot like a soap opera, and just as stupid and exhausting. Fact: I have met this man, he’s tall, lanky and skittish and probably scared for his life. He’s not unlike a praying mantis, but with less sex appeal. Now, not that I am condoning her Mel Gibson meets Tom Cruise like behavior, but this particular man really won’t do any better and If I was him I’d shape the fuck up if any woman wanted to see me naked. That aside, my point is that frankly, if you slow down the crazy and think rationally you will realize that a lot of the things women demand of men can be a little insane.

Personally, I’d take a $15 cab ride instead of being in a car with Mancandy pissed at me, Although I am pretty independent so I would not have used him as a resource anyways. Also, he’s huge and I’m sure terrifying when aggravated. I additionally appreciate that he works far too hard to be bogged down by nonsense and am grateful he considers having the time to date me at all. This being said, I would like to state that knowing him well enough, if it was an emergency he would have probably come through for me. This is the wonderful thing about fostering mutual respect for each other in a relationship. The other person is then less inclined to see you as a complete and utter pain in the ass.

SO - You may be wondering what it is you are you are to have learned thus far? Luckily for you, I broke it down. J

1. Some of my friends should be hospitalized and put under psychiatric care.

2. Don’t expect men to put up with your shit if you wouldn’t put up with theirs. That’s just common courtesy.

3. Lanky people can’t be choosers.

4. Think carefully before you make insane demands in a relationship. It’s a lot like negotiating with a terrorist, except, you’re a bipolar terrorist and you’re negotiating with yourself. You really must be concerned with what’s best for everyone, including the people who have to listen to you bitch and moan about your relationship.

All this having been said, I feel obligated to demonstrate again some of the insane mistakes the women around me have been making lately; Mostly because they don’t listen to sane rational arguments, and I need an outlet for my rage. Much like one of those serial killing cops who seeks out revenge on behalf of those who have been wronged, I feel I must somehow get things off my chest, albeit in a more productive manner before I snap and kill someone.

Baking with Taste of Asia.

As you may have all come to realize, the people in my life are somewhat insane and should probably be under psychiatric care. I completely agree. However, one of the best examples of this statement is my best friend, "Taste of Asia". Why call her "Taste of Asia"? you might ask. Well, Frankly, it suits her. A few years ago, KFC introduced its "Taste of Asia" meal. It was essentially their standard fried chicken covered in an Asianesque sauce. It was something very white on the inside at its core, and Asian looking on the outside. Hence the resemblance to my comrade. One thing the reader may need to know about Taste of Asia is that she is a genius. Like most people that come from rigid Asian families, She is extraordinarily gifted in her academic pursuits. I frequently inform people that she is going to cure cancer someday. The downside to this wonderful talent, is that she can be completely retarded when it comes to simple every day things that anyone with an IQ over 40 could figure out. Sometimes, with the little things, her failure to grasp the concept makes me want to punch her in the vagina. Knowing Taste of Asia however, she would probably inform me that it was an insufficient way to harm someone and proceed to retaliate effectively. I could go on for hours about Asia and her many quirks, but you will all just have to trust that she is indeed, a "special" individual.

On this particular instance with Asia, I had called her on one of her few visits home from school to inquire as to when I might be able to see her slanted eyes and enjoy her akwardly sunny disposition. Upon speaking with her I was shortly informed that her friends dog had died and that he was pretty down in the dumps about it. I shared my sympathies for the dog at this juncture, but was completely aloof as to how its misfortune was going to effect me. Like many times I have been sucked into Asia's insanity, this had completely blindsided my ass and I was about to be taken on a ride. I was about to be hugely displeased. "Mads, I asked if there was anything I could do, and he said cookies might help. So I was thinking I'd Make him cookies. What do you think?", this alone should have tipped me off seeing as Asia has the cooking abilities of someone with anorexia. But a lass, it did not. " I think it's great dude, but can you even make cookies?"...."well, no. I was kinda hoping my best friend would help me??..." I could sense her puppy dog eyes through the phone and was pretty fucking pissed that I was falling for it. I find people of Asian decent always seem to look extra sad to me when they're upset, and Asia was no exception. "Ok, ya but, well, how many cookies am I making here dude?"..."just a few different kinds you know..."...At this point I made the horrible misconception that Asia's mathematical skills would transfer to a baking environment. WRONG. WRONG.WRONG. But I continued on my self destructive path. "Ok well how about after your work you come by and we can make them, I'll pick some out and then go get the ingredients. You better help though bitch! I'm not fucking around!" I informed her as I flipped through cookbooks and quizzed her on various varieties of cookie. By the end, we had picked out seven cookies that we were going to make in a matter of 5 hours. Yes I was out of my fucking tree and about to regret it the way I assume birds do when they get hit by a city bus. However, I enjoy a challenge, especially when Asia was involved. I feel any form of patience I show her gives me a fuzzy feeling much like helping an elderly person struggling with dementia remember that toothpaste goes in their mouth and is not a laxative.

Once I had gathered the necessary items I started what I could until Asia arrived. I knew any prep work I could get accomplished would definitely help out when she arrived and keep me as sane as was possible. Upon Asia's arrival I immediately set her to work. Her fear/inability to properly crack an egg baffled and amazed me but I pushed on. I have been told on many occasions that I am an impossibly talented baker, this I can only credit with endless practice and being a spawn of Platypus and somewhat related to my Grandmother who makes the best cookies on earth. You may protest at this point that it is in fact your Nana that makes the best cookies, but no. You're wrong. It's mine. Pre Asia's arrival, I had coordinated all the recipes vis a vi, time, steps and baking temperature. This was a well oiled machine and I was on a fucking mission to get this shit accomplished, despite the shortcomings of my pal. Things had been developing pretty well, and we were making good progress with a few incidents here and there. Asia was starting to feel as If she wasn't helping enough and wanted to start another cookie on her own, with minimal intervention from me, just to prove she could do it. At this point, I was elated that she was showing such fire for the cause and stupidly let her venture off on her own. I imagine the feeling that happened next is how parents feel when they allow their children to help with dinner and it ends up tasting like shit or having lego in it. You feel stupid and displeased all at once.

Before I describe what happens next, I would like to explain to the reader that the sugar/egg/butter ratio is VASTLY important to the shape and integrity of a cookie. Its a fact and I am adamant about it. Chef Michael Smith has even told me personally that he is impressed with my civilian understanding of the gastronomy of the cookie, I know my shit. I'm no noob.

I allowed Taste of Asia to explore her culinary skills while I fluttered my tiny kitchen trying to keep things together in regards to our other baking ventures. Then all the sudden, Asia wished to assume my task. I allowed it and went over to observe her cookie. I looked into the mixer and knew immediately something was wrong. I have a sixth sense when it comes to baked goods. I'm like Spiderman for cookies. "Asia?..what did you do?..." I inquired, Asia was irate at my implying that she was sucking at anything, and told me to calm the fuck down and stop being such a know it all. I asked her to repeat every action she just went through...sugar, egg,...butter.

I'd like to stop again and inform to you that butter comes with a measure on the inside of the package that indicates the denominations with which you can distribute your butter. People like myself with mad skills can figure this out without the ruler, but noobs, like Asia, are why the nice butter company provides you with this information. "Asia, how much butter did you put in?..."..."A cup like it said..."..."Um...no....you're wrong. Show me what you think a cup is..." At this point, I was ready to cry or laugh and I was still deciding which. Stupid confusions like this really piss me off. Because society tries to prevent dip shits from engaging in these activities by providing neat things like the butter fucking ruler, and if you don't know that by now I'd like you to go kill yourself, right now, because you suck. Asia got the butter and indicated what she put in.....1.5 cups.... greattttt.... how anyone could fuck that up considering that the butter is a single unit, and half of it is a cup, I REALLY don't know. How Asia failed to intake this information in her youth, I don't know. I guess they don't put butter in fortune cookies. But, I digress. At this point, I proceeded to completely lose my shit. " OH MY GOD YOU'RE COMPLETELY STUPID DO YOU KNOW THAT??? HOW OH HOW COULD YOU FUCK THIS UP????"

Asia seems to love when her pure stupidity causes me to lose my freaking mind and all the veins to pop out of my neck. This is the same woman who threw a shit fit when BBM ( Black Berry Messenger ) went down and she wanted to speak to her boyfriend, IMMEDIATELY. I tried to offer her options like texting but no, she wailed at me like this was the most in-excusable option anyone could present her with. " No Mads, It needs to be instant!" she yelled with the same inflection as someone negotiating in a hostage situation. " WELL DIPSHIT, there's this thing, it's called a phone. You call someone, on their phone, and they answer and you talk and then they talk and so on and so forth" , I was baffled to be explaining this to someone in an Honors program, but clearly she's a dumbass when it comes to basic compatibility with life. " No! it has to be Skype!!" ..." I don't have Skype, I'm not a newlywed with a loved one in Iraq or Oprah, I have a life"....Asia then proceeded to explain how I suck for not having Skype and how it was better. I realized in the 20 minutes it took her to infect my system with this program that she could be speaking with her boyfriend but this information was lost on Taste of Asia. She finally connected with him, proceeding to completely ignore me and leave me in the dark as to WHY their discussing nothing was so pivotal, but again, I try not to overburden her little mind with too much confusing stimuli. ANYWHO, back to the cookies.

"Calm down Mad's!! it's no big deal!" hahaha hahahaah ohhhh simple minded Asian, you DESTROYED my cookies. " You realize now we have to add an extra half the recipe worth of ingredients to make this work hey? I didn't budget time for that. However, considering you're assisting I really should have"..." What's that mean? Look I didn't know I'M sorry!"... I proceeded to yell at her for a good 5 minutes while she laughed hysterically at my aggravation. This little incident occurred at a time, Before Mancandy came into my life and mellowed me entierly, and I was a psychotic anal control freak. Any change in schedule would cause me to go bat shit insane like that shark in JAWS... I was displeased. I wasn't so much angry at Asia, I was angry at the school system for letting her down so incredibly. I think we may have been in the same home Ec class in Jr.High, so I really was mad at this kid falling through the cracks. However, in true fashion of Asia and I, She eventually got me to laugh at how irate I was Hugged me much in the same way you hug a kid who just fell off their bike, and calmly asked me what to do. Asia understands that at some point, I become the Hulk and want to rip her limbs off so she needs to cease her retarded behavior immediately. Good friends know when you're a second away from punching them in the fucking face. It's a good trait. Eventually, We actually got all 6 cookies and 1 type of chocolate truffle made. I was impressed. I felt much like I had just coached a special olympics team to a win. I was ready to fist pump and kick Asia the hell out of my apartment. Although our cookies came out great, as long as people like Asia exist in my life, It will continue NOT to be together.

** Asia, If you're reading this, know I love you and I treasure my dysfunctional moments with you. :) like when you had me listen to the spanish phone recording and then proceeded to fall through my blinds and rip your pants. :)

The Coaches.

So, For those not already aware, My man friend or as I so lovingly refer to him, Mancandy, Is huge. He is 6 foot 5 and has muscles like the Hulk. He is built to pay football. He played 3 years in High School and was incredibly skilled at it and as such, was scouted out and harassed by every head coach in the country as a result. Another great thing about this is that I find football to be the most sexual sport ever devised. Its men in tight shorts trying to slam the crap out of each other, what part of that is not incredibly erotic to you? Ya. Exactly. Any who, This was not a shock to me, only since he's incredibly talented. What did shock me however was the manner in which these middle aged married men approached my prize.

The only way I can describe it is in a fashion similar to how 13 year old boys feel when they ask a 13 year old girl out on a date for the first time. They are impossibly nervous, shower them in unnecessary compliments, and talk as if they are about to ejaculate any second. Not my scene, and probably why I didn't start dating till I was 15. Regardless, This is what these men were doing to my guy, and I found it fascinating. What I additionally found fascinating was that these men developed crushes on these players. I have read many a letter written to Mancandy demanding that he play for so and so, written at various points during the year and often followed with, " CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU IN THE FALL!". One card I found in his stack of letter, yes he has hung on to the stack of fan mail, included a stick of Extra gum and a note saying " We'll go the extra mile for you!". At this point, I vomited a little. It had become rapidly apparent that these men were going to continue to be a part of Mancandys life, and thus I was going to have to deal with middle aged coaches falling all over themselves. If this wasn't so oddly erotic to me, I would have been pissed. Also, his perfectly sculpted ass would look delightful in a pair of skin tight shorts, and I could not pass up a chance to stare at that. It would have been just plain not right. Mancandy and I are a team, and you must support your team mates. This is what I had learned in watching 12 straight hours of Friday Night Lights. I love football players, if the reader hasn't already realized that, their retarded.

My most recent brush with these vultures had come a week ago when Mancandy informed me that he has received several phone calls from a recruiter. When I inquired as to what his definition of several meant he informed me it was 3..in a row. At this point, I hope you all see my likeness of these men to 13 year olds with a crush on a reallly hot senior they want to got to the prom with. This was crazy behavior. This is why god invented voicemail. It was my first real interaction with large scale formal sporting situations, and I was a little terrified/excited. At this point I decided not to get ahead of my team mate, and be supportive. I decided to put the beautiful images of him in a uniform on hold and offer my support. I quizzed him on his desire to play again and what the man had said, yada yada yada, all questions I managed to come up with while googling the team who desired him to see what color shorts I could be seeing on his shapely rear. He answered my inquires and told me we could speak about it when I saw him. I did not like this answer but decided any over eagerness I exhibited could come off as a touch nuts, so I kept it to myself. Although quite frankly, the way these men spoke to him should have been more of a worry than my harmless little fetish.

When it finallllly came time to see Mancandy, he had informed me that he had spoken with the recruiter, and he agreed to a meeting with the coach of the team who wished to have him. The head coach for that team then called him 5 minutes later, and left a message. The fact that this man was legit sitting by a phone waiting to hear if my man "liked" him really solidified my feelings about these men being teenage girls. Never the less, seeing as I had acquired an interest with middle aged men fawning over Mancandy and his talent, I decided to do something I rarely engage in - Listen to every freaking word that was being said. Because my boyfriend is a genius, he told me he saved the voicemail's these men had left him. The first guy sounded like he was about to pee his pants. The second, this head coach, really was a special person. In a smokers cough type voice, he informed Mancandy's voicemail that he was A) ELATED that he returned his call, B) Freezing cold from practicing outdoors ( not something I would have shared with a potential recruit, but it was his funeral), And C) Upon ending his conversation used the phrase "OVER AND OUT". At this point I looked at Mancandy with my eyes a-glow and informed him he NEEDED to meet a man who used this type of jargon in every day situations and respond appropriately. Phrases such as 10-4, and Copy that would suffice.

At this juncture, I was sidelined from my original thoughts on Mancandy in tight pant garments and refocused on him being in a situation where I may interact with this individual. I love anyone who uses military type phrases in everyday life, and allows me a chance to use all my beloved quotes from Transformers. I convinced Mancandy he must go through with meeting this individual and at least hear what he had to say.

Then today, I received the text message I have been waiting most of my life for...." well, as it stands you're dating a football player :) "....I cannot even being to describe to you my physiological reaction to this statement. The air left my lungs, and my heart began to race, and I began to see stars. This reaction should have killed me. Thankfully, it did not. Dear 13 year old self with braces and cystic acne, CONGRATULATIONS!!! Finally, My life IS together.

The iPhone Paradox.

So, like most of my ramblings, I feel the need to inform the reader of a few things before they embark on my little literary journey.

1) My sibling has had 4 iPhones in the last 2.5 years.

2) My sibling has broken 4 iPhones in the last 2.5 years.

3) I have had 2 iPhones in the last 2.5 years.

4) I have had one break thanks to my cat Whiteness (that cute face in the paper bag in the photo above).

On this particular occasion, My sibling had smashed the screen of her phone completely while walking to class trying to balance it on her books. (Note :The iPhone is one slippery little thing and has a tendency to fly about when not encased in some sort of protective gear.) My sibling feels that protecting her phone from damage is "un-cool" and refuses to participate in this common cultural phenomenon. On previous trips to retrieve a new phone with my sibling I had made her purchase a case like mine (the best iPhone case ever made) and put it on in front of me so that I could feel confident in her phone ability to go on. She did so, however took it off about a month or so later and broke the phone again. Clearly, her expensive private school education is a complete waste of Popsicles monetary funds because if she hasn't figured out that their breakable by now, she's an idiot.

The next speed-bump in this little adventure was, as always, Popsicles inherently irrational way of trusting my sister not to do anything irresponsible. Additionally, Popsicle sometimes fails to realize how ass backwards his arguments are and refuses to listen to any sane rational individual such as myself. At this juncture, I had explained to Popsicle that my 8Gig iPhone was proving insufficient for my needs. This was an issue I was expecting the previous May when we got iPhones and Popsicle and my sibling explained I wasn't cool enough to need a 16Gig anything and did not have enough of a life to require such adequate space in my device. I told them they were assholes then and did not hesitate to point it out again now.

Me: "Ok Dad, heres the deal, My phone is out of space. My sister, has broken her 4th phone and is requesting a new one. What I suggest you do is get me a new one and give her mine. It's in perfect condition it's just not sufficient for my needs due to all the space the music takes up".

Popsicle" " well then delete some of your songs, there must be some you don't use".

Me: " First of all, they aren't something you "use", its not a pair of shoes. I need them. Thats like me telling you there's too much money in your bank account, get rid of some. Thats stupid".

Popsicle:" You're going to have to find some other way because you can't have a new phone, your phone works fine".

Me: " Are you providing my sibling with a new phone dad?"

Popsicle: " Well yes, she needs a phone hers is broken".

Me: " Wow. Dad. WOW. You do know she's irresponsible and thats why it's broken? Where as I, am highly responsible and am requesting an upgrade for my responsibility. You know, you are teaching her nothing by just giving into the fact that she's a dipshit. She THROWS it Dad! Throws! across a room! I've seen it !! MOM WAS THERE! How does this behavior qualify her for a brand new phone? That illogical dad. Even you have to see how stupid that sounds".

Popsicle: " Well she needs a phone, and it was an accident".

Me: " Dad, accidents aren't foreseeable. A mentally retarded donkey could see that coming. Its stupidity, which is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, hence this situation".

Popsicle:" Well then save up for one".

Me: " THATS NOT THE POINT DAD!!! Are you honestly telling me that my necessity of a device with larger space is a stupid request based on my past responsible behavior, BUT if I was to go out, be a dumb dumb, take it out of its safe surroundings and throw it around while intoxicated that I would currently be receiving a new phone?"

Popsicle: "while if it was broken beyond repair..."

Me: " OH MY GOD DAD DO ARE YOU HEARING YOURSELF TALK RIGHT NOW???"

Popsicle: "Don't get upset, it's not her fault she had an accident"

Me: " THEN WHO'S AT FAULT HERE DAD? BIG FOOT? CASPER THE FRIENDLY IPHONE DESTROYING GHOST? WHO? I'm sick of having to be responsible for being the bad guy here and explaining to my sister that she doesn't deserve a new phone. You're her parent, PARENT HER! she needs to learn!!!"

[Popsicle is laughing at this point, and I explained that I was done speaking with him while he was obviously high on drugs. I then decided to take parenting matters into my own hands. Somebody had to be an adult.]

The next step of this journey involved my sibling,Platypus, and I going to the apple store - on a weekend. As someone who has enjoyed the luxuries of shopping during the work week when stores were pretty vacant, I was not thrilled about being crammed into the apple store with like 80 other people. I do not do good in large crowed areas, its not my scene. On top of that, I had to deal with my sibling and Platypus who when together not only rent a time share in the same brain, but tend to get on my nerves. Separate from each other I can deal with them pretty well, But together they form this hybrid of themselves and It makes me batty. I cannot have a conversation with one, I have to converse with both, and they often take the exact same opposite stance to whatever I wish to be doing. In this case, I wanted a new phone and I was not about to sit idle while my parents royally screwed the pooch on this venture.

Upon gaining access to a stool in the apple store, I set up my camp while the sibling spoke with the geniuses. She then came back and informed Platypus and I that the cost to repair her phone was the same as getting a new phone. ( I to the day maintain that this was not the case and that she just wanted a new phone, but who am I to argue with Steve Jobs and his methods?)

I started to question Platypus as to why I could not have this new phone and why I was being forced to suffer insufficient data space on my device when I had been nothing but a responsible and upstanding member of the iPhone community. She did not share my passion for my case, a plight I should have suspected due to her lack of ability to separate her thoughts and feelings from those of my sister. I then mentioned that the siblings lack of desire to encase her phone in some sort of protective device was the reason for her many many issues, and demanded once again that Platypus take a stand as a parental figure. She declined, and much like with Popsicle, I was really starting to worry about her mental health status. But never the less, I was on a mission and would have to deal with her health issues at a later date.

I should point out that at this point I was incredibly irate, and overwhelmingly hot and not in any condition to have been in public. Additionally, I was surrounded by a gaggle of confused, overweight people and was not terribly impressed with my surroundings. I often find that when the fat are confused, they resemble mentally unstable children trying to outsmart a child proof pill container - sure its sad and kind of cute, but you really want to just go over in a fit of rage and open it for them. In this case, I was damn near running about trying to convince other store patrons that their issue were unimportant and try to force them to join me in my quest for a new phone. On a scale of one to Mel Gibson, I would say I am strongly against dumb people in aggravating circumstances. I was ready to rip my hair out and not enjoying my time at the apple store. Once again, I tried to engage Platypus in a discussion about the pros and cons of iPhone cases, and Why my sibling was insufficiently equipped for a new phone. She began to laugh and then joined my sibling in yelling at me about how I was a complete pain in the ass and that my sibling would in fact be giving up her new phone in exchange for my current one since I seemed to have felt so strongly on the subject. Apparently, this conclusion was reached ten minutes earlier but I was on a tangent and failed to intake the information at all. I tend to get like that when I happen to be incredibly pissed about my circumstances, I will reject any and all input from others that is not " I agree".

All in all we ended up leaving the apple store shortly after, with me being lectured all the way back to the car as to why I was being an asshole, and how my short comings in the arena of patience would undoubtedly result in my dying alone. ( I reject this conclusion entirely only because in what has been 3 months with Mancandy I had been incredibly patient with him. I maintain this is a result of him being constantly upbeat and having a genius level I.Q., and thus, his shit was together and he was consistently on the same page as myself.) All in all though, I did manage to accomplish my goals due to my persistence and my ability to completely lose my cool in large scale public situations involving confused obese individuals. Despite my mission being successful, I'll be the first to admit that my life is NOT together.